Though That ‘70s Show has been off the air for nine years (the last episode aired May 18th, 2006, so start planning your 10 year anniversary parties now,) it’s important to sit down and remember the past. Remember when Punk’d was a thing? Classic.
If That ‘70s Show brought us anything, it was a whole lot of snark. There was the dry wit of Eric, the straight up and down drags courtesy of Hyde, and the never-ending gift that was Kelso. Like a giant obelisk that turned apes to man, Kelso was a beacon of knowledge and understanding. Who better understood human existence? No one.
Here’s the top nine quotes from heartthrob and scholar Michael “Kelso” Kelso.
“Well damn Jackie, that could be anybody!”
A prom bluff goes horribly awry, and we get to see two of the best sides of Kelso: unspeakable unreasonable jealousy, and self-loathing. A winning combination! Also, great video title, video poster-person.
“PUT THE SHORT LEASH BACK ON ME!”
While we’ll discuss Kelso’s relationship with Jackie further down the list, Kelso’s short-lived foray into songwriting and, you know, bondage, deserves a mention.
“That’s right, it’s prank day! Gift day. You idiots.”
“Prank Day” is less about Kelso’s quotes and more about his unrepentant glee as he glues everyone to everything. Though it did spawn several golden moments (the infamous “brown sugar” line being among them,) the real gem is Kelso, as he and his pranks take central focus. And if you think about it, you start to realize that Kelso may be a lot more clever than even he realizes.
“Jackie, if I were lying, I’d come up with a lot better lie than that.”
Here’s the thing about Kelso: he’s not really super great at sarcasm. Does he know his lie is terrible and he’s just giving up? Or is he still trying to sell it? We just don’t know. Other thing about Kelso: his mom still sews his name into all his clothing. This is undoubtedly a good idea, except when a situation like this one arises.
“You know guys, I’ve been living my life all wrong. All I ever thought about was school! Studying, reading, homework- Well that’s over! Thanks, Hyde!”
Catch a young Kelso give up school for good old fashioned reefer. Also, Kelso is really making that headgear work for him.
“I need to chop down a tree.”
Arguably Kelso’s best scene, if you believe Youtube user Clive’s Channel. Because that’s the beauty of Kelso, really: he’s not just willing to lie, he’s willing to throw Eric under the bus to sell it and save Eric in the long run. True friendship.
“Donna was right. I do need to start respecting women. So, I’ve decided to donate my entire Playboy collection to the needy. Here you go, Fez.”
This is such a nuanced, complicated statement. Will Kelso ever figure out what it means to do the right thing? No. The answer to that question is no, so let’s just call this close enough.
“So, I’m at home, and I’m watching Scooby Doo. And I think to myself, ‘You know what, you should go hang out with Hyde and Donna.’ And then I think no, because maybe Scooby and Shaggy found a real ghost this time.”
Kelso represents the purest part of the human spirit. Moving on.
“I’m saying that we’re not right for each other because you make me feel bad!”
While Kelso-Jackie splits never really lasted (though this one was one of their last,) this moment doesn’t get nearly as much praise as it deserves. Kelso’s admission of vulnerability was shockingly earnest from our lovable comic-relief character. Which is probably why it hurts so much.