The 8 Most Nauseating Disney Channel Shows of All Time

Wipe away the nostalgia, and you’ll see that the early 1980s were an awful time. The scourge of crack cocaine was turning America’s inner cities into war zones, the AIDS epidemic was in full swing, and the threat of nuclear annihilation loomed large. But of all the horrifying things to come out of that miserable decade, the Disney Channel is by far the most troubling.

In theory, a channel devoted to the legacy of Walt Disney seems harmless enough. But in practice, aside from the occasional airing of “Duck Presents” (a.k.a. “Quake Attack”), the Disney Channel is home to some of the most nauseating programs in television history, and has given birth to some of the most vile celebrities on the planet. Come with me as we explore Walt Disney’s greatest shame, the Disney Channel.

“The Suite Life On Deck”

“The Suite Life of Zack & Cody” chronicles the “sweet life” of two teenage twins who live at fancy hotel. Unless you’re a tween-aged girl or a pedophile, it doesn’t get much worse. Oh, wait; Yes it does. “The Suite Life On Deck” is a spin-off of the original show in which Zack and Cody now attend high-school on a luxury cruise ship. Must be nice, you smug little pricks.

Here’s hoping the show ends in a similar manner to the Achille Lauro hijacking.

Note: It was just announced that actress Brenda Song, who plays London Tipton on the show, is pregnant by way of Trace Cyrus (Miley’s brother and this tattooed emo queerbag). Here’s wishing them both the best of luck with raising a child that will undoubtedly grow up to be the next Hitler.

“Dumbo’s Circus”

Compared to the other crap on this list, “Dumbo’s Circus” is probably a better show. At the end of the day, it was at least trying to entertain and educate children, as opposed to selling them sh*tty pop music. And I don’t remember “Lionel the Lion” smoking Salvia and banging Adam Lambert. But the crappy costumes and jarring animatronics were so phony that it made me sad for the actors inside, even as wee child. It’s the same feeling you get when you’re old enough to realize the guy in the Santa suit is just your dad’s drunken friend who got arrested for burning his wife with a curling iron.

Not to mention the fact that Dumbo, the world’s only flying elephant, had somehow become the world’s only talking elephant. And how the hell did he end up owning the circus? He doesn’t have any money. He’s a goddamn elephant!

“The Wizards of Waverly Place”

“The Wizards of Waverly Place,” starring Selena Gomez, follows the adventures of three young siblings who happen to be wizards. It’s a lot like Harry Potter, except for the fact that the acting is horrible and the characters themselves are a bunch of insufferable assh*les.

What bothers me the most is the casting. Hey Disney, this is what a real teenage wizard looks like. Selena Gomez? Not so much.

“Good Morning, Miss Bliss”

Before moving to NBC, “Good Morning, Miss Bliss” started out on the Disney Channel. I’m not even going to pretend I remember it. But since it went on to become “Saved By the Bell,” perhaps the worst show in history (Come at me bro!), there’s no way in hell I could leave it off this list.

The show originally took place in Indiana and revolved around an inspiring teacher (a.k.a. Miss Bliss). It must have been about as boring as it sounds, because after the first season, producers dropped Ms. Bliss and changed the title to “Saved by the Bell. And just as it happens in real life, the Midwestern children moved to California and instantly became assh*les.

“That’s So Raven”

“That’s So Raven” tells the story of Raven Baxter, a teenage girl who receives psychic visions about the future. In other words, it’s just like The Dead Zone, except the cast is predominately black and the plot lines are wacky! (Speaking of “Black” and “wacky,” whose idea was it to include the clip of the black girl singing into a chicken leg in the intro?)

As with “The Wizards of Waverly Place,” Raven ends up wasting her supernatural powers on petty bullsh*t. If I had magical powers as a teen, you can rest assured that I wouldn’t have squandered them. In fact, I’m writing a pilot about that very scenario. It’s sort of a cross between Backdoor Divas 7 and Carrie.

“Kids Incorporated”

It’s not unusual for children to imitate their favorite pop stars or “make believe” that they are performing in front of a crowd. However, it is unusual for kids to actually start a professional band and perform choreographed song and dance routines at a local theater without any adult supervision whatsoever. But on “Kids Incorporated,” that’s what happened week after nauseating week. It was like “Glee,” except a little less gay-themed and and a lot more gay. Please note that it was still acceptable to use “gay” as a pejorative in 1984, so that joke was grandfathered in.

The show never explained who was funding these elaborate children’s performances, so we can only assume it was the work of a well-financed ring of Belgian pedophiles. But whoever was behind it, they have a lot to answer for. “Kids Incorporated” launched the careers of noted A-holes Mario Lopez, Jennifer Love Hewitt, and worst of all, Stacy Ferguson, which means my hatred of “Fergie” now spans four decades.

While I find this show to be the most repulsive on the list, I must admit I do enjoy watching Fergie get destroyed by a giant sperm at the end of the intro.

“Hannah Montana”

Much like sleeping with a tranny, watching this show leaves an unpleasant, confusing aftertaste in my mouth. Perhaps that’s why I find the “Hannah Montana” theme song, “The Best of Both Worlds,” so very apropos.

Miley Stewart seems like your average everyday teenager, but in reality, she’s living a double life as the world-famous pop star, “Hannah Montana.” Billy Ray Cyrus seems like a brain-dead hick, but in reality, he made a billion dollars by exploiting his children. Coincidence? I think not.

“The Mickey Mouse Club” (1990’s)

In the film It’s a Wonderful Life, a suicidal man named George Bailey is visited by his guardian angle and shown an alternative world in which he was never born. This helps George realize that his existence has made the world a better place in countless ways. The exact opposite is true of the 1990’s version of “The Mickey Mouse Club.”

If “The Mickey Mouse Club” had never existed, the careers of Christina Aguilera, JC Chasez, Britney Spears, and Justin Timberlake would never have gotten off the ground. The boy-band ‘N Sync would never have formed. The songs “Oops!… I Did It Again” and “Genie in a Bottle” would never have been recorded. There would have been no “Nipplegate” at Superbowl Super Bowl XXXVIII, and the resulting FCC backlash would never have occurred. The name “Kevin Federline” would mean nothing to you. “The Voice” would not be one of the most popular shows in America. And while I can’t prove it, I’m pretty sure the September 11th Attacks would have been thwarted.

×