(Warning: Heavy Fear The Walking Dead Spoilers below, obviously.)
Fear the Walking Dead completed its fifth season this week with “End of the Line,” putting a crooked exclamation point on what was a thoroughly disappointing season. The only way I can really describe the season finale is as nonsense. Complete nonsense. To wit, here’s an incomplete list of everything that made little to no sense in the season finale.
— In the cold open, Dwight is racing through the forest, likely dehydrated, when he hears a voice asking for him on his walkie-talkie. He believes it is his wife, Sherry, and responds, but she can’t hear him. For some reason, Dwight chucks his radio away in frustration. Why? If it was Sherry, wouldn’t he at least want to wait and see if she told him her location? Or gave him a message? Wouldn’t he want to try to find higher ground where he could get clearer reception? At the very least, he should have hung on to his radio so he could call back to Morgan instead of delivering five horses back to Humbug’s Gulch by himself.
— When Dwight reaches the abandoned convoy, he finds horses, and inexplicably, the first conclusion he draws from the horses is that they’re all saved, because if the horses are alive, there must be water around. In other words, horses could find water, but a group of 40 people with maps could not find a source of water, despite the fact that there is a very large river just minutes away. Was that river not on the map June had with all the buildings and the location of Humbug’s Gulch? ALSO ALSO, didn’t Tom die when … he fell into water. Of course there was water near the convoy, because the convoy couldn’t continue because it couldn’t cross the bridge over a river. Why was the existence of water so surprising?
— So, let me get this straight: At the end of last week’s episode, when Morgan’s group came upon the gulch and saw that it was overrun by zombies, they surmised that the camp was a lost cause. So, they called Virginia, but then after calling Virginia and asking for help, they spent a lot of time contemplating whether they could clear the zombies. It was only after seeing a billboard with cowboys wrangling cattle that they came up with a plan to open the gates to to the gulch and lead the zombies away on horses. They could have done that without the horses before they called Virginia. How many times on The Walking Dead universe has someone led a horde of zombies away on foot? Rick did it in his final episode. Daniel did it in an earlier episode this season. As soon as they saw Humbug’s Gulch and noticed that all the zombies were contained within the fences, they should’ve immediately realized that all they had to do was to open up a fence and steer them away. This is The Walking Dead 101, people!
— Morgan and Company concoct a plan to circle Virginia and The Settlers with the horde of zombies and take from them what they need and order them away. However, Morgan specifically insists that no one be killed. However, when they see that Virginia has brought Luciana along, they bail on the plan because they don’t want Luciana to die. Why? If no one was going to be killed, why did they worry about Luciana’s fate? Why didn’t someone just concoct another plan to lure Luciana away and save her? Why didn’t they use the horde as leverage to take Luciana back?
— John, Dwight and company decide to wrangle the zombies like cattle on horseback. There were 250 zombies coming in frequent contact with them on horseback, and no one got bit on the leg? No one got pulled off a horse? And why is it that the zombies only attacked and consumed Dwight’s horse after he jumped off. What kept the zombies from attacking the horses with people on them?
— Daniel took the starter out of the Humvee so that Virginia wouldn’t take off with it. After Strand saw that Virginia had Luciana, he decided to use the starter as leverage with Virginia in an off-screen negotiation. Did he gain anything in those negotiations? Because best I can tell, he just gave the starter to Virginia and she took the Humvee, and Strand extracted exactly zero concessions out of her. Asked about the negotiation by Alicia later, all Strand could offer was, “We can do more damage them the inside.”