Tim Allen, The Guy Who Plays Buzz Lightyear And Santa Claus, ‘Hates Kids’

On this week’s episode of WTF with Marc Maron, Tim Allen spoke at length about his conservative leanings. He admitted that he liked Donald Trump, not for his politics or his policies, but because he “pissed people off,” and that’s something that Tim Allen appreciated about the former President.

Allen’s political leanings, however, are not unknown. He frequently inserts his conservative beliefs into his sitcom, Last Man Standing. What’s less known about Tim Allen is his stint in prison, which he also discussed on the podcast. Allen did not shy away from his past, saying that when he was younger, he was “an eff up,” that he sold drugs and partook in his own supply. According to Allen, a group of college kids to whom he dealt got caught and “rolled on” Allen and another guy, both of whom took the blame for the crimes of about 20 people. Allen, however, didn’t necessarily hate prison. He got used to it, and he got along by being the funny guy. By the end, he’d even managed to secure his own prison cell, an accomplishment for which he was oddly proud.

Allen was a big drinker, too, although he confesses that he’s now 23 years sober. The past addiction issues and the prison sentence perhaps make Tim Allen the unlikely star of a hugely popular family sitcom, Home Improvement, one of the most popular children’s characters ever in Buzz Lightyear, and the title character in a Christmas family staple, The Santa Claus, which launched two sequels. What’s perhaps even more ironic, however, is the fact that Tim Allen dislikes kids.

It’s actually a bit in his stand-up that’s not far from the truth. “I hate your kids,” he jokes in his act, “and I’m not fond of my kids. But I really hate your kids. Nothing is dumber than human children, and above all, they take the attention away from me in a room.”

Allen has found, however, that the more he dislikes kids — like the ones in his neighborhood — the more they seem to want to hang around him. He also admits that, on The Santa Claus, he was a “mean, horrible Santa Claus off stage.”

“I was an angry, made-up comedian that didn’t have any idea what five hours of make-up would be like. It was horrific. And then these kids wouldn’t behave, and then I’m swearing, SWEARING, while dressed like Santa Claus until one of the Disney people said, ‘Tim, you can’t keep dropping the F-bomb in front of the kids dressed as Santa Claus.’ And of course, I’m going, ‘I’m not goddamn Santa,’ and they’re like, ‘They don’t know that!”

“It was an amazing experience for me, because I really don’t like kids very much, but these kids love being around this pissy Santa, and I learned to be a pissy nice guy.”

Maron also noted how strange it is that Allen has a cranky relationship with kids, and yet he’s a kids’ icon. “You’re Buzz Lightyear, for God’s sake!”

“It’s my biggest joke ever,” Allen said. He told God what he wanted, but didn’t specify exactly how he wanted it. “I want to do The Tonight Show and God said, ‘OK,’ and the next thing, I’m doing The Santa Claus, Buzz Lightyear, Home Improvement, and these family shows. And I say [to God], ‘Wait a minute. I forgot to tell you that I hate kids.'”

On that subject, Allen also admitted a preference for the original scripted opening of The Santa Claus. “It was dark, man. It was dark. I shot and killed Santa in the opening scene. I shot him, and he fell off the roof, and the kid goes, ‘You just killed Santa!’ And I said, ‘He shouldn’t have been on the roof. He should’ve been at the mall, where he belongs. I thought he was robbing my house.'”

Disney, however, rejected that opening scene, telling him, “You can’t start a Disney movie with you murdering Santa.” Allen, not incorrectly responded, “Why? You kill all the parents in every other movie.”

Source: WTF with Marc Maron