Bates Motel (A&E, 9:00 p.m.) – As Dylan and Caleb struggle to realize their dream of running a legal marijuana farm, they find competition in a new rival named Chick, a guy who specializes in illegal firearms, likes hunting, cutoff cargo pants and fixing up motorcycles out in the woods. Spoiler: It’s f*cking Opie from f*cking Sons of Anarchy, you guys! (I’m sorry for all the f*ckings. I blame it on the fact that seeing Ryan Hurst on my television again gives more feels than I can handle.)
Better Call Saul (AMC, 10:00 p.m.) – Jimmy ditches his old duds for a fancy new office space that doesn’t smell like a cheap nail salon because, you know, dream big and all that. He meets with a couple of fancy new clients, too, and cashes in a favor from an unlikely ally.
Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) – It’s crazy how quickly 20 seasons of watching D-list celebrities vie for an extra 15 minutes of fame by showing off their crappy dance moves just fly by. This year’s random grouping of people you probably don’t recognize includes an Olympic gymnast, a Carl’s Jr. model, a thigh master, Bruce Willis’ daughter and Patti LaBelle. Wait? Patti LaBelle? What are you doing here?
The Originals (CW, 8:00 p.m.) – Rebekah’s still having an identity crisis. Jackson might not be cut out for his new leadership role among the wolves. Klaus is still iffy on trusting his long-lost sister, who was out to destroy him and his family, but has turned over a new leaf in the span of a single episode and now just wants to be the best aunt she can be to baby Hope.
The Voice (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) – The battle rounds continue, Lionel Richie’s talents are still being underused and, unfortunately, I still don’t know the names of any of the actual contestants on this damn show.
WWE Monday Night Raw (USA, 8:00 p.m.) – Randy Orton figures out his next move after turning against the Authority as WrestleMania looms.
Jane the Virgin (CW, 9:00 p.m.) – Jane considers attending a romance-writing workshop in order to get over her case of writer’s block. Let this serve as a lesson to all aspiring authors. Just because you have a spank bank full of bodice ripping deposits doesn’t mean you should become a romance writer. Then again, the bar hasn’t been set that high, so knock yourself out.
The Following (Fox, 9:00 p.m.) – It’s hard to find good help in the serial killing business these days. As Ryan, Weston and Max hunt down one psychopath, Mark questions whether he can trust Kyle and Daisy. I’ll let Usher and his raccoon hat handle this:
Eye Candy (MTV, 10:00 p.m.) – In the season finale, Lindy heads to an island that serves as the burial site for all of the unidentified and unclaimed dead people in New York. (Because having a stand-off with the serial killer who’s been terrorizing you and murdering your ex-boyfriends just wouldn’t be as climactic if it took place at the Starbucks on the corner.)
The Returned (A&E, 10:00 p.m.) – A brutal attack brings up memories from the past, Camille continues to keep her return on the down-low, and Simon pursues Rowan.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Shailene Woodley on Letterman; Jim Parsons, Miles Teller and Wiz Khalifa on Fallon; Kevin Hart and Brad Paisley on Kimmel; Keri Russell on Meyers; and Kevin Nealon on Conan.
