‘Your Face Has Been Declared A Weapon Of Mass Disgusting!’: 15 Indispensable Zapp Brannigan ‘Futurama’ Quotes

Zapp Brannigan may not be a particularly competent captain, nor is he anywhere near as charming with the ladies he thinks he is. But we love him anyway, and so, let’s honor everyone’s favorite space captain with his fifteen most eminently repeatable quotes.

1. “If we hit that bullseye, the rest of the dominoes will fall like a house of cards. Checkmate.”
From “When Aliens Attack,” giving us the greatest mixed metaphor of all-time.

2. “The way to a woman’s bed is through her parents. Have sex with them and you’re in.”
From “Where The Buggalo Roam,” giving Kif some unsolicited romantic advice.

3. “One day, a man has everything. Then the next day, he blows up a billion dollar space station. And then the next day, he has nothing. Makes you think.”
From “Branigan Begin Again,” after blowing up DOOP Headquarters. Kif’s meek reply is “no, it doesn’t.”

4. “The key to victory is the element of surprise. Surprise!”
From “War Is The H-Word,” shortly before dropping all of his troops down a trap door onto the battlefield.

5. “Brannigan’s Law is like Brannigan’s love; hard and fast!”
From “Love’s Labors Lost In Space,” making sure we all understand Brannigan’s Law.

6. “We know nothing about them, their language, their history or what they look like. But we can assume this. They stand for everything we don’t stand for. Also they told me you guys look like dorks.”
From “War Is The H-Word,” letting the troops know why this war is so important.

7. “Your face has been declared a weapon of mass disgusting!”
From “Benderama,” making Patton Oswalt’s insecure zit-faced alien feel even more insecure.

8. “She’s built like a steakhouse, but she handles like a bistro!”
From “Amazon Women In The Mood,” trying in vain to pilot a flying restaurant.

9. “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.”
Also from “Amazon Women In The Mood,” after a little too much snu-snu.

10. “I want to slap your sister with a slice of bologna.”
From “Zapp Dingbat,” when his attempt to speak to the ambassador in his native tongue goes horribly awry.

11. “Happy Freedom Day, ladies! Come on, show me something. Anything. Seriously, I’d take an armpit.”
From “A Taste Of Freedom,” begging the ladies to indulge him during the 31st century’s version of Mardi Gras. Thankfully, Linda eventually obliges.

12. “I am the man with no name. Zapp Brannigan, at your service.”
From “Where The Buggalo Roam,” not totally getting the meaning of “man with no name.”

13. “In the game of chess, you can never let your adversary see your pieces.”
From “Love’s Labor Lost In Space,” giving us more indispensable military strategy.

14. “Well, well. We meet again, Leela, only this time, I’m the one judging the sausage.”
From “Fun On A Bun,” when he meets Leel while, you guessed it, judging a sausage contest (but not that kind!).

15. “I’ve never heard of such a brutal and shocking injustice that I cared so little about!”
From “Where No Fan Has Gone Before,” learning the horrible fate of the original Star Trek tapes.