Zoo is nuts. I think that’s the best place for us to start. The CBS summer series is based on a James Patterson book about the world’s animal population rising up to destroy the human race, with our only hope being a team made up of mismatched parts including, but not limited to, an alcoholic veterinarian, a spy from France, and Bob Benson from Mad Men. Season one was a delight. Here are a few things that happened, and I swear to God this is all true, and you can go watch it on Netflix right now if you don’t believe me: a Jack Russell terrier led a man into a Slovenian dog ambush, kamikaze bats killed two Brit pop-loving lesbian scientists in Antarctica, the team pulled off a midnight zebra heist while wearing what appeared to be masks from the orgy scene in Eyes Wide Shut, and a pack of wolves orchestrated a jailbreak to free a man from prison. This is a GIF of the last one. It’s much funnier if you pretend the button the guard smashes at the end is labeled “WOLVES.”
The show is now in its second season and, somehow, by the grace of God in heaven, despite being the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen on television, was recently picked up for a third. It is better than ever. (“Better.”) The team has figured out, kind of, what caused the animals to go berserk, so now instead of everyone just running for their lives every week, we are solving mysteries. Also, everyone is still running for their lives every week. It’s all quite incredible. And so, as someone who has watched every episode (albeit with the focus of someone half-watching a sporting event in a crowded bar, which is really the only way to watch Zoo), I feel like it’s my duty to try to explain to you where we all are. So let’s do that. Try to stay with me.