Zoo, my favorite show in the whole wide world, and possibly the greatest show in the history of television, did it again last night. For those of you who haven’t been keeping up with CBS’s animal revolution summer series, here’s a quick rundown of things that have happened so far:
- Episode 1 – A lion attack in Los Angeles, a tree in Brentwood filled with menacing housecats.
- Episode 2 – An evil Jack Russell terrier used a plush tiger toy to lure a new father into a Slovenian dog ambush in an abandoned warehouse.
- Episode 3 – A gang of wolves orchestrated a prison break in Mississippi.
And now, thanks to the most recent episode, we can add, and I promise I am not making this up, “A swarm of murderous kamikaze bats killed two Britpop-loving lesbian scientists in Antarctica.” But we’ll get to that.
First, a brief note about our heroes, led by James Wolk, whose animal expert character probably has a name, but will be referred to from here on out as “Dr. Bob Benson.” In order to figure out what’s causing this global animal uprising, the team heads to Mississippi to investigate the wolf prison break. Dr. Bob Benson quickly figures out that the creepy death row inmate the wolves sprung is the alpha of the pack. (Which, sure. Five minutes ago I typed the phrase “Slovenian dog ambush.” I’ll roll with a maniac wolf-man antagonist.) The team decides they need to trap one of the wolves to do it, putting themselves at great risk, which becomes a whole thing that I’m not going to get into because we really need to get to the kamikaze bat. Long story short: They catch a wolf and test its blood in a hotel coffee pot and the dang coffee pot explodes. Watch Zoo.
(Quick question: If they knew all the animal activity was related, which they did, and two of the members of the team were the ones who discovered the tree of menacing Brentwood housecats back in Episode 1, which they were, why in the name of David Caruso did they risk life and limb tracking wolves through a Mississippi forest when they could have just flown to California and grabbed a declawed domesticated kitten? Come on, Bob.)
BUT ANYWAY, THE BATS.
So, here’s what’s going on: Those two women, both of whom are scientists, are a bickering couple who decided to up and fly to Antarctica to do research together in an attempt to save their relationship. Because what better way to breathe life into a struggling relationship than to lock yourselves in cramped quarters at the frigid end of the world with no other humans within hundreds of miles? It’s a bad idea, is my point.
And it’s about to get worse, because a swarm of bats — possibly the same swarm that crashed Dr. Bob Benson’s plane last episode, which is also something that happened on this show — has clumped together in formation on their solar panel to shut down their power.
To get the power back on, one of the scientists creates some sort of homemade flamethrower and shoots it toward the bats. All of this happens off-camera. This, to be clear, is inexcusable. I still love you, Zoo, but if a scientist in Antarctica is going to scare a swarm of bats off a solar panel with a MacGuyvered flamethrower, you SHOW THAT SH*T. Jesus Christ.
Also, there’s a stowaway bat on the scientist’s back, which quickly leads to…
AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH BAT CHAOS WHAT’S IT DOING OH GOD OH GOD IT’S FLYING TEETH-FIRST EVERYWHERE AND IT’S SO MAD HURRY HURRY GRAB A BROOM OR MAKE ANOTHER FLAMETHROWER AHHHHHHH.
Oh good. It stopped.
Remember how I said “kamikaze bat?” Well, here you go. Turns out stowaway bat snuck into the lab for the sole purpose of dive-bombing into the backup power source, killing it and himself in the process. And as soon as the power went out, the other bats flew back on top of the solar panel. This was a multi-step battle plan involving one soldier making the ultimate sacrifice. If the animals end up winning this revolution, they’ll teach the story of Kamikaze Bat in their schools.
After the power went out, two things happened, both of which are worth noting:
- One of the scientists suggests that maybe the bats will leave them alone if they free the birds they’re keeping in the cages. That would have been a decent idea if she had knowledge of the worldwide animal revolution going on out there. At least worth a shot. But she didn’t have knowledge of it at all because it’s a highly classified, off-the-books operation being conducted by scientists doing experiments on wolf blood in hotel coffee pots, which makes “Maybe the bats are mad about our birds” one truly incredible leap of logic. I repeat: Watch Zoo.
- One of them pulls out a battery-powered boombox and pops in a mix CD from when they first started dating, and the first song is “Don’t Look Back in Anger” by Oasis, which causes them to reminisce and snuggle on the couch.
All of which brings us to…
Hey, the bats are leaving! And the cages are empty! Looks like the plan to release the birds worked! Hoora-…
Nooooooooooooooope. The bats hung around on the solar panel, even after the birds were released, until the two scientists froze to death on a couch in Antarctica while listening to “Don’t Look Back in Anger” on repeat, which has got to be one of the top three or four worst ways to die.
So, that’s what happened on Zoo last night. A swarm of murderous kamikaze bats killed two Britpop-loving lesbian scientists in Antarctica. What an incredible television program.