Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Piranha DD Does Not Get The Dove Foundation’s Seal Of Approval

By: 09.04.12

Woman Thou Art Loosed: On The 7th Day

This is the second installment in the ‘eponymous’ (their word, not mine) Woman Thou Art Loosed film franchise.  To be honest, I had no idea that this film existed, and subsequently had no idea this franchise existed.  I’ve heard of the original, but I knew nothing about it, but that’s okay because this isn’t a sequel.  (That’s why it’s called Woman Thou Art Loosed: On The 7th Day instead of Woman Thou Art Loosed 3DD, which actually sounds like a movie I would watch.)  Anyhow, besides a pathetic attempt at name recognition (and the participation of Bishop T.D. Jakes, the author of the original film’s source novel) this movie is a stand-alone drama. It’s about a married couple’s relationship going to sh*t over the course of seven days after their six-year-old daughter is kidnapped.  I don’t know how this movie turns out, but if it were about a white family it sure wouldn’t take the cops seven days to find the little girl, I can assure you. It would’ve been called Woman Thou Art Loosed: Amber Alert.

For The Love Of Money

Let’s play movie bingo: How many disparate elements can one movie possess?  We start things off with the free space, ‘Based On A True Story’.  Next, we need to add a commonly used subject: organized crime.  But it needs a twist: Instead of the Italian Mafia or the Irish Mob, how about Israeli gangsters?  Perfect.  This already sounds weird enough, so we’re almost there.  Can the cast bring us on home for the win?  Let’s start with older actors.  Who’s in it and really shouldn’t be?  There’s Paul Sorvino, but he’s never been one to pass up a paycheck.  Who else can we find?  Jeffrey Tambor.  Again, yes, it’s weird to see George Bluth in a movie like this, but not weird enough.  James Caan?  As sad as it is to see Sonny Corleone slum it, Caan’s not really that surprising, given his career choices of late.  Maybe we should move on to the younger ‘stars’. There’s Edward Furlong, but let’s be honest, we all kind of assumed Furlong would be in this.  Who else can we find?  We’re so close to winning this game, we just need one more oddball casting choice.  How about Jonathan Lipnicki?  Yes, that’s right, the kid from Jerry Maguire co-stars with Edward Furlong and George Bluth in this true story about Jewish gangsters.  BINGO!!!!

Amsterdam Heavy

Admit it, while playing movie bingo with For The Love Of Money, you thought I’d point out that Michael Madsen would be in it.  Well, he’s in this instead.  He plays a CIA agent. I want Michael Madsen, Eric Balfour, Edward Furlong, Tom Sizemore, Billy Zane, Michael Clarke Duncan, Christian Slater, Cuba Gooding Jr., Val Kilmer, Ray Liotta, Vinnie Jones, Ving Rhames, Tom Arnold, and Judd Nelson to star in a straight-to-DVD rip off of The Expendables.  They could call it The Real-Life Expendables.

Last Will

Tatum O’Neal stars in this low-budget thriller about a woman framed for the murder of her husband. His evil family sets her up so they can take her husband’s fortune. Tom Berenger plays the husband, and James Brolin plays the cop investigating the murder. Did you know that Tatum O’Neal’s Best Supporting Actress Oscar win for Paper Moon makes her the youngest person to ever win a competitive Oscar?  She was 10 at the time.  Shirley Temple received an honorary Oscar at age 6, so technically she holds the record for youngest Oscar recipient.  Shirley Temple’s still alive, by the way.  She’s 84-years young. Neither woman went on to any other Oscar nominations or wins, so I feel comfortable in saying that they both peaked early.  If you’re wondering why I’ve gone off on this Oscar trivia tangent, it was because I assumed you’d already been sold on the movie.  You know I said James Brolin’s in it, right? That dude’s a legend.

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