Your Mid-Week Guide To DVD And Streaming: Getting Freaky Deaky With The Master

By: 02.26.13  •  12 Comments

Just like in The Master, Joaquin Phoenix is fixating on some strange pussy.


This week Netflix was gracious enough to include five of the new DVD releases via their streaming service: there’s the Oscar-nominated How To Survive A Plague, that film with a crucial moment, The Loneliest Planet, The misleading Fast Girls, the somber Silent Souls, and the low-budget Total Retribution, which actually had a $1.5 million dollar budget.  So check those flicks out and if you’ve still got some time afterwards, check these out as well:

I’m Still Here

This is that documentary (pictured above) about The Master’s Joaquin Phoenix when he pretended to quit acting to become a rapper.  I haven’t seen this yet, and I really haven’t heard a lot of great things (basically it’s a feature-length ‘theater majors gonna theater’ experience), but it seems tailor-made for casual Netflix watching and it’s directed by Casey Affleck.  As the youngest of seven kids (with four older brothers) I guess I feel bad for the guy; he’s an Oscar-nominee and yet he’s still stuck in his brother’s shadow.  I can just see the Affleck parents bragging about their kids, “Ben directed the Best Picture Oscar winner, and Casey’s a director, too.  He made that film about his brother-in-law getting sh*t upon. He’s trying, God bless him, he’s trying.

Guilty Hearts

I’ve never heard of this anthology film from 2006, but it stars Chasing Mavericks’ Gerard Butler and Holy Motors’ Eva Mendes, so it’s officially recommended.  To be honest, the 45 seconds worth of research I’ve done into this film doesn’t make it sound good, but it also stars Charlie Sheen as himself, so I’m gonna stop looking into it, as the more I do the worse it sounds. At any rate, each of the stories is about people struggling through romantic relationships, I guess.  Jesus, this sounds grim.  Also, it’s three hours long.  You know what? F*ck it, I’m giving this spot to The Killer Inside Me, just because it stars Casey Affleck, and that guy needs a boost.

Basic Instinct

Border Run’s Sharon Stone became famous with her starring role in this erotic thriller.  If –somehow- you didn’t know, this is the movie I alluded to earlier in which she flashes her lady bits.  Nobody who started masturbating during the internet age can understand what a watershed moment this film was.  For the first time maybe ever, there was an easily obtainable, generally accepted way to sneak a peek at a woman’s naked crotch.  On tape! Rewindable, reviewable tape! Never mind that the beaver shot is brief and dark, or that by the time you got the tape from Blockbuster the tracking was shot during that scene, this was important.  This was the moving image.  Of a pussy.  Amazing.  And now it can be on your TV screen with the push of a button, and most kids don’t even care. Nowadays, adolescent boys won’t jerk off to anything less than inter-racial anal fisting.  Why’s it always gotta be about race?

Dead Man

Johnny Depp stars in this pseudo-western that features Freaky Deaky’s Crispin Glover as well as Robert Mitchum, the great-grandfather of 500 MPH Storm’s Casper Van Dien. The movie’s kind of slow and arty, but I liked it.  Also it’s from 18 years ago, so Depp’s accessorizing is kept to a minimum. He only wears a crushed hat, a fur coat, war paint, rings, necklaces, bracelets, and a pistol.  Needless to say, he plays an accountant.

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