Often times we choose our Florida Friday stories to reflect stories that could seemingly only happen in Florida – getting eating by a gator while running from cops, a police stand-off ending via shark. But today’s Florida Friday story is something that (theoretically) could’ve happened anywhere. Something that forces us to recognize Florida’s inherent humanity. Think of it as a “Florida is just like us” story. I mean, how many times have you been in the middle of an argument with your lover when you realize that the only thing that can properly convey your contempt for her mendacity is a spontaneous blast of hot ass wind? That’s the decision 53-year-old Willie Butler of Immokalee, Florida made this week, though he’d soon live to regret it.
A drunken Florida woman stabbed her boyfriend with an 8-inch blade after he farted in her face during an argument, police say.
Whot we’ve got heeeah, is a FAILURE to communicate.
Deborah Ann Burns, 37, allegedly knifed her lover of six years — Willie Butler, 53 — as they watched television in their Immokalee apartment last week. Burns told cops they were fighting about cash when Butler got up to go to the kitchen and broke wind on her head. She confronted him and things turned ugly.
Hell hath no fury like a woman farted on. Now, here’s where I have to pause the game tape. “She confronted him?” I tend to think that if a person is deliberately farting on another person’s head that the confrontation has long since begun.
— with Butler allegedly throwing a knife at her, which missed. Burns reportedly picked it up and threw it back and hit him in the stomach.
That’s just poetic justice. Assuming your idea of poetry is a drunken knife fight. Which mine is.
She ran outside, before returning to hit him with a stick on his left arm.
You know your woman’s pissed when you have an 8-inch blade sticking out of your gut, and the first thing she thinks to do is run outside to find a stick to hit you with. The normal idiom to indicate adding insult to injury is “twist the knife,” but even that bespeaks an a certain unwillingness to add bludgeoning to the mix.
Cops arrived to find a bleeding Butler, who was so drunk he could not give a statement, standing in front of his mailbox. Burns, who denies cutting Butler, was arrested and charged with aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, reports 14News. |NYDailyNews|
“Gentlemen? (*holds up credentials*) Agent Broderick Felixson, Special Fart Crimes Unit. I think I can handle things from here.”
I want more like this!
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