Not that it needs to be a Buzzfeed listicle or anything, but The Usual Suspects (1995) is old enough to do porn now. Aren’t we all old, blah blah etc. Anyway, recently, director Bryan Singer (who has X-Men: Days of Future Past coming out in May) was asked by a fan on Twitter how he would re-cast The Usual Suspects if he was making it in 2013. As someone who has wasted his life this far I don’t usually like to play the “what if” game, but I thought his answer was kind of fun in this case.
Singer answered that the Usual Suspects 2013 cast would include Edward James Olmos as Agent Kujan [Chazz Palminteri], Chris Hemsworth as Keaton [Gabriel Byrne], Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Fenster [Benicio Del Toro], Dane DeHaan as McManus [Stephen Baldwin], Jonah Hill as Hockney [Kevin Pollak], Benedict Cumberbatch as Verbal [Kevin Spacey], Michael Fassbender as Kobayashi [Peter Postlethwaite], and Jennifer Lawrence as Edie Finneran [Suzy Amis].
Yep, everyone loves Jennifer Lawrence. Here’s what it’d look like:
Or, if you prefer it Photoshopped up all fancy by one of Singer’s minions:
Of Singer’s casting choices, Fassbender as Kobayashi (perfect) and Dehaan as McManus probably make the most sense (Jonah Hill as Hockney ain’t bad). Edward James Olmos as Agent Cujan makes the least sense, considering Olmos is five years older than the guy who played him 20 years ago. And tall drink of English water Benedict Cumberbatch as shy Verbal Kint seems so, so very wrong. Just try to imagine that sexy British baritone delivering the line “I used to get dehydrated as a kid. One time it got so bad my piss come out like snot. I’m not kidding, it was all thick and gooey…“
Thick gooey piss would sound way too sexy with Cumberbatch saying it.
Not that I have any better ideas. DiCaprio? Ron Livingston? James Franco? Casey Affleck? Boo Boo Stewart? It’s hard to picture anyone but Kevin Spacey in a Kevin Spacey role. All I know is, a modern version of The Usual Suspects that doesn’t star C-Tates is not a movie I want to see.
Oh, Channing Tatum? He flip you. He flip you for real.
[hat tip Yahoo, pictures via Getty Image]