Take note, journalists, this is how you write a lede:
Gravy-wrestling model suffers horrific facial injuries after being hit with monkey wrench when she interrupted a friend having sex.
I’ll be honest, I always thought of “monkey wrench” more as a metaphor than something that you could bash someone with. Likewise, “gravy wrestling” sounds more like a euphemism for overweight British people having sex than the literal definition, but this story proves me wrong on both counts.
Elisa Sampson, 31, was hit in the face by her ‘best friend’ Sabina English, after arriving back at her home in Rossendale, Lancashire, and finding the single mother having sex with another friend on her sofa.
When kick boxer Elisa interrupted the two with a shout of: ‘What are you doing’, laundry worker English jumped up and hit her in the face with the garage tool, which was lying nearby on the floor.
Oh please, I’ve seen a Guy Ritchie movie. We all know she shouted “OI! Wot’s aw dis den?”
The victim received two fractures around her right eye and a gashed upper lid, which needed surgery and 17 stitches to repair it and which resulted in a ‘deformity’ on the eyelid and long-term vision problems.
English admitted grievous bodily harm and was jailed for two years.
The fight occurred last October, a year after blonde Elisa won the 2010 World Gravy Wrestling Championship, in which she wrestled other women and men in 2,000 litres of Bisto outside a pub near her home in Rossendale.
For my British readers: Is Bisto food, or do you feed it to pigs? Jesus that looks disgusting.
Miss Martine Snowden, prosecuting, said Elisa, English and Paul Greenwood who were all friends, were at the wrestler’s flat enjoying a drinks party.
Trouble began when Elisa Sampson went into her living room and found English and Paul Greenwood having sex.
Miss Snowden said: ‘Elisa was cross with what she saw, unhappy about their behaviour in her lounge and asked: “What are you doing?”
“WEW WOT’S AW DIS DEN?!”
“Oi, bugger off, slag! Oy’s troyin ta catch a knobbin!”
‘But English jumped up and Paul Greenwood got up and grabbed the victim around the throat and pushed her into the doorway.’
English’s brother who was also at the flat punched Elisa in the face a number of times.
The prosecutor added: ‘The victim was not really able to say what happened to her after that, but fought back to some extent and ended up on the floor in the bedroom, in pain and aware her eye was seriously injured.’
So she caught her friend having sex with her boyfriend, and she was the one who got hit with the wrench and punched by a dude? That just seems unfair. Then again, with her kickboxing expertise and that solid, gravy-wrestling base, you have to assume she’d be a fearsome MMA fighter. She might as well get into MMA anyway now that her face is already messed up. Think of the crossover appeal! She’d be like the Brock Lesnar of gravy wrestling. I imagine British Dana White hearing this story over the phone and doing a gravy spit take.