A lot of people are tempted to not watch the Oscars this Sunday night, them being, as Ricky Gervais says, “a night of the most privileged people in the world being told how brilliant they are and thanking God for loving them more than ugly poor foreigners.” That might be true, but Thanksgiving is also a celebration of English fundies giving smallpox to Indians. The food’s still delicious. That is to say the Oscars are fun if you have fun with them. And as I’ve learned, the best way to have fun is to drink alcohol.
So here’s a drinking game with which we can all play along. TOGETHER.
- CHARLIE SHEEN REFERENCE: Social. Buckle up, there’s going to be a lot of these.
- CHARLIE SHEEN REFERENCE INITIATES LIGHTNING ROUND: Everything after the first Charlie Sheen reference counts double, and the lightning round is complete only when a second Charlie Sheen reference ends it. (It begins again on the third, and so forth).
- RICKY GERVAIS, MEL GIBSON REFERENCE: Take a drink. I suspect the volume on these got turned down when the Sheen rant broke, but they’ll still be too easy to resist.
- F-18 REFERENCE: Chug your beer, do a line of coke, email your boss telling him how you really feel.
- REFERENCE TO EGYPT, LIBYA, TUNISIA, GADDAFI, MUBARAK, THE MIDDLE EAST, PROTESTS, WISCONSIN, OR DEMOCRACY: Take a drink, pretend to be an authority on said subject.
- MUSIC STARTS DURING LONG SPEECH: Drink until speaker has left the stage. (Thanks, Punté).
- BANKSY REFERENCE: Take a drink, sell empties to Madonna for a million dollars. (Thanks, Danger Guerrero).
- 127 HOURS REFERENCE: Take drink, saw off own arm with salad fork.
- BLACK ACTOR APPEARS ONSCREEN (seat fillers don’t count): Take a drink, stare at the floor and feel guilty about the inequity that still haunts America today. (Thanks, Punté)
- FACEBOOK JOKE (FRIEND, UNFRIEND, TAG, POKE): Take a drink, regret accepting friend request from mom.
- HAHA, JAMES FRANCO IS IN A LOT OF MOVIES/ART/GRAD SCHOOL PROGRAMS: Take a drink, light a fart, say it was performance art. (Whoa, did I accidentally write a Chet Haze rhyme?)
- COLIN FIRTH ONSCREEN: Take a king-sized drink. (See what I did there?)
- IF YOU SPOT TARANTINO’S COKE WIZARD: Pump fist, chug sterno, make a wish. (Thanks, Robopanda).
Okay, I think that’s plenty to remember for now.