Weekend Movie Guide: Stay In The Shadows

Senior Writer
05.11.12 8 Comments

"This room could use more Absolut bottles with highlighters in them."

Opening Everywhere: Dark Shadows

Opening Somewhere: God Bless America, Hick

Never Heard of It: Girl in Progress

FilmDrunk Suggests: I’m finally going to see The Avengers on Sunday, since I hate being around people. I still expect there to be a lot of people, but I’m just excited to be able to openly discuss the after-credits cliffhanger on Monday. Oh, and Vince wants to see Hick, but a judge won’t let him.

"And in three years, you're going to suddenly be a lot more popular."

Dark Shadows

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“A remake of the late ’60s daytime soap opera, the film can’t decide whether it’s a parody, a somber gothic tale or a special effects feast, and thus ends up none of the above.” – Tom Long, Detroit News

“But this thing they came up with — what is this? This is tiresome, meandering piffle. I care not a whit for the sanctity of the original series (which I’ve never seen), but surely its fans won’t like the slick, comical tone of Burton’s version: as far as I can tell, apart from the character names and some plot elements, almost none of this resembles the old soap opera.” – Eric D. Snider, Film.com

Armchair Analysis: Vince did not like this movie one bit, and his fellow critics don’t sound much different. That bums me out, because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been sitting around thinking about how awesome it would be if Eva Green turned me into a vampire. Alas, it seems it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It’s also not a good sign for Chloe Moretz, but we’ll get to that shortly.

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Ashley Burns has written about movies, TV, and sports for UPROXX since the site's first day.

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