Weekend Movie Guide: You Sank My J-Lo

By: 05.18.12  •  13 Comments

"Oh hey, we just got done saving the Earth from aliens and none of us are even the least bit freaked out."

Opening Everywhere: Battleship, What to Expect When You’re Expecting

Never Heard of ‘Em: The Samaritan, Hysteria

FilmDrunk Suggests: This is the rare weekend that features two movies that I will see within the next week or so because *wink, wink* I just have that gut feeling. But if you haven’t seen Marvel’s The Avengers yet, I can’t recommend it enough. Especially so I can keep shouting: OMG ARE THEY GOING TO DO THE INFINITY GAUNTLET??? THAT WOULD BE AWESOME!!!

"No, I'm totally fine. Sure, I've only been in the Navy a week, but we ripped off Star Trek's plot and bingo bango."

Battleship

Michael Bay Washed Ferrari Scale:

Gratuitous Review Quotes:

“Director Peter Berg has apparently conceived of his production design as homage to (and improvement on) the works of Michael Bay — from Battleship’s militaristic grandstanding to its absurd romance, endlessly spinning action set pieces and deafening metal-on-metal sound effects.” – Steven James Snyder, TIME (Seriously, every time I see a commercial, all I think is: “This looks like Michael Bay jerked off all over a storyboard.”)

“In the set-up, we meet a shiftless beach bum named Alex Hopper (Taylor Kitsch), whose brother Stone (Alexander Skarsgard) is a naval officer. In a bar, Alex hits on the lithesome Samantha Shane (Brooklyn Decker), who wouldn’t you know is the daughter of the admiral of the fleet (Liam Neeson). Breaking into a convenience store to get her a burrito, Alex is arrested and his brother delivers an ultimatum: Join the Navy or else.” – Roger Ebert (I know that isn’t a review, but…)

Armchair Analysis: Holy sh*t, did you read that paragraph from Ebert? This movie looks – based on every commercial and trailer that I have seen – like it was constructed like a Lego tower of action film clichés. In fact, when I see Battleship, because I’m honestly attracted to it like a moth to a light, I wouldn’t even bat a lash if an old black janitor who used to be a Navy SEAL shouts, “I’m getting too old for this sh*t” while firing a Civil War cannon at an alien ship. In fact, this movie could feature 30 minutes of footage from Independence Day, Armageddon and Transformers and nobody would know the difference.

But to be fair, which is something I’m trying hard to be better at, I hope I’m wrong, because I like Peter Berg and I want him to make a good movie, mother f*cker!

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