A couple months back I conducted a (sort of) scientific study to determine which superhero sucks the hardest when it comes to video game adaptations. Well, I’ve been jonesing to do some more pseudo-science, so how about we move onto action stars?
My method is the same as before — I took a look at all the games inspired by six of the most popular action movie stars, picked out the ones that are actually good, and calculated the crap ratio. Which action movie hero is closest to a zero in the world of video games? Schwarzenegger? Stallone? Hit the jump to find out…
Note: As before, this is hardly the most stringently scientific of studies. Whether or not a game is “good” is based entirely on my own recollections of the game, or if I haven’t played it, reviews from GameRankings and MobyGames. I may have missed a game here or there. I may not have listed a game you like as “good”. Again, try your best to get over it
Games – 16
Good Games – 7
Rambo: First Blood Part II (Master System), Rambo: First Blood Part II (Commodore 64), Rambo III (Master System), Rambo III (Genesis), Demolition Man, Rocky (PS2/Xbox/Cube), Rocky: Legends
Crap Ratio – 56%
Surprisingly, the action star with the best collection of games is Sylvester Stallone. I say surprisingly, because he certainly hasn’t been in the best movies — sure, the early Rocky and Rambo flicks are good, but for a long stretch during the late 80s and 90s Stallone was always just a half step away from becoming a Steven Segal-esque parody.
Basically Stallone’s ratio greatly benefits from the fact that Konami went and provided a handy instruction manual on how to make a good Rambo game with Contra. Also, it’s pretty hard to go too wrong with a Rocky game.
Games – 5
Good Games – 2
Bruce Lee, Bruce Lee: Return of the Legend
Crap Ratio – 60%
There really aren’t all that many Bruce Lee games (no, I’m not counting all the versions of Street Fighter with Fei Long) so his low-ish 60% crap ration isn’t overly impressive, especially considering a Bruce Lee game should be just about the easiest thing to make in the world. Nunchucks, ninjas, a boss with wolverine claws, bam, you’re done.
Bruce Lee: Return of the Legend is a pretty obscure GBA game — without that unexpected little nugget of quality, ol’ Bruce would have the worst ratio of the bunch.
Games – 25
Good Games – 9
Conan: Hall of Volta, Red Heat, The Terminator (DOS), Terminator 2: Judgement Day (Arcade), The Terminator (Genesis), The Terminator: Rampage, True Lies, The Terminator: Future Shock, Terminator 3: The Redemption
Crap Ratio – 64%
Not surprisingly, the Governator has the largest collection of video games to his name (around two-thirds of which are Terminator games). Given the sheer volume of Schwarzenegger inspired titles, I actually wasn’t expecting his Crap Ratio to be as low as it is.
Oh, and yes, I’m listing the 16-bit True Lies games as being good — got a problem with that?
Games – 6
Good Games – 2
Jackie Chan’s Action Kung-Fu, Jackie Chan Adventures: Legend of the Dark Hand
Crap Ratio – 67%
A bit of trivia — Kung Fu Master, the Irem/Data East game that essentially gave birth to the entire brawler genre, was originally a Jackie Chan game in Japan, but the game was stripped of the Chan license when it came to North America, so I’m not counting it. If I did, Jackie’s Crap Ratio would be a more admirable 57%.
Games – 12
Good Games – 3
Die Hard Trilogy, Die Hard Arcade, Apocalypse
Crap Ratio – 75%
So here we are, poor old hard-luck Bruce Willis is the action star with the s–ttiest video games. Seems somewhat appropriate really.
- Archer, Arrested Development, Boardwalk Empire, Breaking Bad, Brooklyn Nine Nine, Comedy Central, Commercials, Community, Conan, Fargo, Game of Thrones, Girls, Homeland, House of Cards, It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, John Oliver, Jon Stewart, Justified, Letterman, Louie, Luminaries, Mad Men, Nathan Fielder, Netflix, Orange Is The New Black, Parks and Recreation, Review, Rick and Morty, Seth Meyers, SNL, Sons of Anarchy, South Park, Stephen Colbert, The Americans, The Blacklist, The League, The Leftovers, The Simpsons, The Walking Dead, True Blood, True Detective, Veep
- Blake Griffin, Boston Celtics, Carmelo Anthony, Chicago Bulls, Chris Paul, Cleveland Cavaliers, Derrick Rose, Dwayne Wade, Dwight Howard, Kevin Durant, Kobe Bryant, LA Lakers, LeBron James, NBA All Star Game, 2015 NBA All Star Game, NY Knicks College Football, MLB, NBA, NFL, UFC, WWE, WWE Raw, LOL NFL, KSK Mailbag
- Geek & Sci-Fi