Hey, did you know ladies play video games? Well yeah, of course you do, because it’s 2013 and the idea that video games aren’t for an entire gender is laughable. Well, except to Microsoft, who seems to be permanently stuck in the early 2000s, a golden age when a few people still used Internet Explorer, Halo wasn’t yet completely tapped out and, “How to Trick Your Dumb Girlfriend Into Playing Games!” articles choked the series of tubes.
So, in the spirit of 2003, Microsoft has set up a hilarious email form you can fill in and send to the screeching harpies in your life who are keeping you from spending the baby’s college fund on a $500 video game console. I’ll admit it may be pretty effective, since any woman you send this to will soon be out of your life altogether, at which point you’ll be free to play as much Xbox One as you want!
Let’s analyze Microsoft’s condescending list of reasons your lady should let you buy an Xbox One. Note, the text in green are the “standard” answers Microsoft has provided…
“I’m finally going to learn how to dance! Not with you — with this video game! Man, what a win-win!”
“Sitting in the same vicinity doing two totally different things counts as togetherness, right?”
“I’m going to ‘get fit’ with Tracy Anderson! While you’re not around. With my pants off.”
“You know how after a serious gaming marathon you somehow yell at me about how I need to make some friends? Well now I will be! Xbox One friends! Those 20-hour Call of Duty sessions are just me being social baby.
“I hate your sister and am glad for any distraction while talking to her.”
Now, all the green text in the form can be clicked on, which brings up a list of options. Most of the options are still obviously girlfriend/wife related, but just to cover their bases Microsoft has thrown in a few other non-female options. Choosing those options yields some odd results…
Well, who am I to question a billion dollar corporation? If Microsoft thinks bros like getting sweaty with their beautiful grandpas, I trust their research.