Today we cover Sony, EA and Activision…
Psst, hey…that Vita might look more impressive if you turned it on.
– There won’t be any talk of the Playstation 4. Sony told you the PS3 was going to have a 10-year lifecycle and Sony would never lie to you.
– Every franchise Sony’s got is going to be on the Vita! Because console-style games on a portable — that always works!
– Cross-play between the Vita and PS3 will also be a big focus, because again, console-handheld connectivity is a proven great concept.
– Finally, Sony’s ace in the hole — new skins that make the Vita look like an extra large, extra heavy, extra fragile iPhone.
– As a compliment to LittleBigPlanet Karting and Playstation All-Stars Battle Royale, Sony will unveil Infamous Super Tennis, Golf of War and Paper Killzone.
– The Last Guardian? Huh? What’s that?
– Quantic Dream will unveil its new game. Spoilers — murder solving and tits will be featured.
– Ken Kutaragi rushes onstage, and claims to have already built the Playstation 5 in his garage out of his recycling and radioactive nanomaterials given to him by aliens. “The Matrix is real! I made it! The Matrix is reeeeaaal!” he’ll scream as he’s dragged from the stage and dumped in the same holding cell as Peter Molyneux.
– Hackers will somehow infiltrate every single aspect of Sony’s press conference. The presentation will grind to a halt as Kaz Hirai is carried backstage to have his brain reformatted.
– After over five years Sony will finally show everyone the secret button that activates the Playstation 3’s grilling capabilities and toast up some delicious grilled cheese and bacon sandwiches for everyone in attendance (vegetarian and kosher options available).