Nintendo, as a company, sometimes leaves you wondering how these people have gone for so long without actually getting on the Internet, or interacting with a child, or developing any understanding of what accidental creepiness is. Because The Cat Mario Show manages to combine the incompetence of public access television and the uncomfortable weirdness of a bad children’s show into one unholy force for evil.
For those wondering, yes, this is an official Nintendo video, and it’s actually designed to teach small children how to play Nintendo games. Or to teach them fear, although that might be a side bonus. Having watched the whole thing, I find myself asking a few questions:
So How Deep Were The Cuts At Nintendo’s Video Division?
Nobody would blame you for thinking this was a cheap fan vid, but it isn’t. It’s a real Nintendo product, that appears to have been assembled by interns that we really hope at least got a sandwich out of the deal.
Who Seriously Thinks Highly Pitched, Sped-Up Voices Are Cute?
No, really. Who thinks this? As far as I can tell, there was one novelty record that did this and that was enough to cement the idea for the next sixty years, that was enough for people who have never spoken to children. It’s just vaguely annoying and creepy, and all over this video. The British accents really don’t help.
If you want proof of this going horribly wrong, just skip to 1:30 on the video and listen. That’s not the voice of sanity. Speaking of which…
Does Anybody At Nintendo Understand The Concept Of Innuendo?
Nintendo has to be aware what Tumblr immediately turned into the minute it realized the entire Mario cast was running around in fur suits. And yet you see stuff like this:
Oh, look, my list of things I never want a puppet to tell me to do just got longer.
Did Anybody Watch This Thing Before They Shipped It?
This is the one you will keep asking yourself, because dear God, the unintentional creepiness:
That’s not a Cat Mario puppet in the left hand corner. That’s a sex offender trying to get at your through the screen of your DS. Maybe we can team Cat Mario up with Creepy Woody.
In short, Nintendo is great at making video games, and really shouldn’t make anything else. EVER.