Anyone else terribly disappointed by Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's wedding photos? They're just two great-looking famous people in normal wedding regalia. Hate it.
Celebrity weddings are supposed to offend the senses with obnoxious nerve and disgusting smiles. Let's pick the definitive celebrity photo of all time, one that's hilarious, decadent, and secretly a little bit awesome.
1. Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney.
God, the sexual heat jumping off these two. Who can take it? Renee is wincing wildly and Kenny is dressed like a yoga-practicing Puritan. A fine choice.
Or is the best wedding photo this classic snapshot of…
2. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline
This is awesomely ridiculous while at the same time emitting no sensuality. And I have the unnerving feeling that Kevin is more aware of what's going on than Britney. Shivers.
Here's a dark horse:
3. Kid Rock and Pam Anderson.
They got married on a yacht. A few great things here: 1) Kid Rock's not-so-yachty body. 2) Kid Rock is clearly buckling under the pressure of carrying Pam. 3) Kid Rock is pretending to smoke like a Rat Packer while attempting an athletic feat that requires at least four Kid Rocks. 4) Pam looks ridiculous but great.
Oh, wait, what do we have here.
4. Victoria Beckham ditches David for whatever this is.
Vicky looks like the most suspicious character in a wedding-themed murder mystery. What is she holding. Is David in there? Is little David in there? Why is she terrified? What is with the harried substitute teacher bangs from 1993? Whatever the reason: Thank you, Victoria.
But what of that dapper duo…
5. Mick and Bianca Jagger
Mick's bemused expression and Bianca's wacky stare do give me life. Mick is like: “Are you stoked? Tell me you're stoked. Tell your fancy man in the ladies' suit that you're stoked.” And she's like, “ERRRR, KINDA.”
Now we are getting to some real contenders. Look, it's those elusive chanteuses.
6. Mariah Carey and Mr. Mariah Carey
Mariah and Mr. Mariah decided to go classic in a shock-white Bee Gee uniform and 100,000 doilies. Their children are like, “This is par for the course, everyone.”
Here's my official runner-up: this stunning aerial shot of the wedding between…
7. Madonna and Sean Penn
Madonna and Sean Penn were a little annoyed by the helicopters at their 1985 nuptials, so Sean wrote a message for the paps in the sand. The marriage itself was rocky and occasionally horrifying, but at least Sean put his rage to cheeky use here.
But the winner — for all time — of wackiest wedding photo goes to:
8. Liza Minnelli, David Gest, and their shy pals.
Just a quick reminder: You do not insult Ms. Elizabeth Taylor. (May she rest forever in white diamonds delicately arranged on shards of hot tin roofs.) However, I am perfectly OK with insulting Mr. David Gest, who somehow has the craziest expression in this photo. Liza, why. Michael, whatever. Ms. Elizabeth, I appreciate the Cleopatra throwback cape.
Am I missing the greatest wedding photo of all? Please enlighten me.