Here’s another way to rank the Oscar acting nominees

01.14.16 1 year ago

Which actors will take home the gold at this year's Oscars?

While it's a nice thought that the winners in each category will ascend the steps of the Dolby Theatre based on merit alone, we all know that's not how it works in this silly town. Judging the quality of a specific performance relative to other performances is a highly subjective thing, and certainly subject to pre-existing biases. With that in mind, is it any less ridiculous to predict the winners in each category based on age, height, net worth and relationship status? I say it's not! Let's have some fun. Below, my rankings and predicted winners in each category based on totally irrelevant personal stats.

(Note: All “net worth” numbers are based on 100% accurate Google search results.)

Best Actress

5. Saoirse Ronan, Brooklyn
Height: 5'6″
Age: 21
Net worth: $2.5 million
Relationship status: Single?

4. Brie Larson, Room
Height: 5'7″
Age: 26
Net worth: $10 million
Relationship status: Dating musician Alex Greenwald (Phantom Planet)

3. Jennifer Lawrence, Joy
Height: 5'9″
Age: 25
Net worth: $60 million
Relationship status: Single

2. Charlotte Rampling, 45 Years
Height: 5'7″
Age: 69
Net worth: $15 million
Relationship status: Longtime companion to late French journalist Jean-Noël Tassez

1. Cate Blanchett, Carol
Height: 5'9″
Age: 46
Net worth: $45 million
Relationship status: Married to Australian playwright Andrew Upton

This is an unusually young category, with 3 of the 5 nominees coming in under the age of 27. While Saoirse Ronan, Brie Larson and Jennifer Lawrence all gave worthy performances this year, they're infants compared to 69-year-old Charlotte Rampling, who may be worth $45 million less than J-Law but has been acting for longer than Amy Schumer's BFF has been alive. Ultimately, though, my prediction here has to be Cate Blanchett, who is tall, experienced, fabulously wealthy and married to well-known Australian playwright Andrew Upton. Needless to say, this is her race to lose.

Predicted winner: Cate Blanchett, Carol

Best Actor

5. Eddie Redmayne, The Danish Girl
Height: 5'11″
Age: 34
Net worth: $4 million
Relationship status: Married to public relations executive Hannah Bagshawe

4. Bryan Cranston, Trumbo
Height: 5'11″
Age: 59
Net worth: $30 million
Relationship status: Married to actress Robin Dearden

3. Matt Damon, The Martian
Height: 5'10″
Age: 45
Net worth: $75 million
Relationship status: Married to former Argentine bartender Luciana Barroso

2. Michael Fassbender, Steve Jobs

Height: 6'0″

Age: 38

Net worth: $30 million

Relationship status: Dating Alicia Vikander

1. Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant
Height: 6'0″
Age: 41
Net worth: $220 million
Relationship status: Single/perennial bachelor

Last year's winner Eddie Redmayne may have turned in a critically-acclaimed performance in Tom Hooper's The Danish Girl, but with a net worth totaling a measly $4 million and a wife we've never heard of (who I'm sure is lovely), he's the clear loser in this particular race. Trumbo star Bryan Cranston is the oldest of the bunch by a longshot, but he has neither the fortune of fellow nominees Leonardo DiCaprio and Matt Damon nor the “power-couple” cachet of Alicia Vikander beau Michael Fassbender. With $220 million in the bank and an ideal height (6'0″), DiCaprio is clearly taking this thing home.

Predicted winner: Leonardo DiCaprio, The Revenant

Best Supporting Actress

5. Rooney Mara, Carol
Height: 5'3″
Age: 30
Net worth: $8 million
Relationship status: Dating writer/director Charlie McDowell

4. Alicia Vikander, The Danish Girl

Height: 5'5″

Age: 27

Net worth: $4 million

Relationship status: Dating Michael Fassbender

3. Jennifer Jason Leigh, The Hateful Eight

Height: 5'3″

Age: 53

Net worth: $5 million

Relationship status: Divorced

3. Rachel McAdams, Spotlight
Height: 5'4″
Age: 37
Net worth: $14 million
Relationship status: Dating Taylor Kitsch, maybe?

1. Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs
Height: 5'7″
Age: 40
Net worth: $90 million
Relationship status: Married to Richard Branson nephew Ned Rocknroll

No contest here: Kate Winslet is the second-oldest nominee, relatively tall at 5'7″ and worth more than any other actress on the list with a net worth totaling a whopping $90 million (we won't hold the fact that she's married to a man named “Ned Rocknroll” against her). Winslet for the win!

Predicted winner: Kate Winslet, Steve Jobs

Best Supporting Actor

5. Mark Rylance, Bridge of Spies
Height: 5'8″
Age: 55
Net worth: N/A
Relationship status: Married to director/composer/playwright Claire van Kampen

4. Tom Hardy, The Revenant

Height: 5'9″

Age: 38

Net worth: $15 million

Relationship status: Married to actress Charlotte Riley

3. Mark Ruffalo, Spotlight
Height: 5'8″
Age: 48
Net worth: $20 million
Relationship status: Married to actress Sunrise Coigney

2. Christian Bale, The Big Short
Height: 6'0″
Age: 41
Net worth: $80 million
Relationship status: Married to former model Sibi Blazac

1. Sylvester Stallone, Creed
Height: 5'10″
Age: 69
Net worth: $400 million
Relationship status: Married to former model and business owner Jennifer Flavin

Sylvester Stallone is worth $400 million. I repeat: Sylvester Stallone is worth $400 million. That's $320 million more than Christian Bale and $385 million more than Tom Hardy (coming in at a laughable $15 million). Sly is winning this thing, you guys. As far as the two “Mark Rs” (Rylance and Ruffalo) are concerned, I give Ruffalo the edge thanks to a more substantial net worth of $20 million (Mark Rylance's didn't even show up in Google searches; never a good sign) and a wife who just so happens to be close friends with Julianne Moore. Nevertheless, this category is a K.O. for Stallone.

Winner: Sylvester Stallone, Creed

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