Alexandria! How does it feel to have the best photo and the blackest soul at the same time? The other girls think Alexandria should have been bumped down a few notches because of the raincloud she brought to the set of the last shoot; apparently those girls have never, ever read anything about Naomi Campbell.
Alexandria is from Orange County, which explains everything.
OK. Whatever. Time to get lit on fire. A TyraMail teases something about “flames,” and soon enough the girls are brought to a new runway challenge. The girls will be modeling creations from a designer who has survived multiple wardrobe encounters with Lady Gaga. The runway will be lit on fire. And the girls will also be lit on fire. Sort of like Burning Man, only without the art.
“I could possibly get like a third degree burn,” Hannah notes.
“I”m scared,” Alexandria says. Yes, but still bitchy. Gurl, you multitask like a master!
Alexandria does fine for someone on fire. So do Brittani, Monique, Molly and Mikaela, but Jaclyn and Sara could use work on their walk. Kasia walks too sexy, but Miss Jay loves Dalya”s controlled, calm strut. Hannah needs to bring a bit more personality.
Dalya wins. The three girls who did the worst — Hannah, Sara and Kasia — are told they will have to walk home. It is not a joke. Kasia actually takes the time to practice her walk; she inspires the other two to do the same, and it”s actually kind of cute.
Squee! Another TyraMail! The language indicates they will have to act, but before they can analyze, another piece of mail comes, and it”s the lines the girls must memorize by the next day. The challenge involves a commercial for the fake — let”s hope — Fierce Roast Coffee. The lines are apparently very sexually charged; “If a guy did this, it would be sexual harassment,” Sara quips. Welcome to the modeling industry, Sara!
Again, we’re back at Smashbox Studios! Francesco Carrazzini will be shooting the girls. He has all kinds of cred, but Molly notes that he”s also pretty hot. The set is very Mad Men, as is the styling.
“Mikaela is my partner, and I am worried that we might suck,” Sara observes. Several the girls are given fake booties and boobies, and Jaclyn seems to love her new butt.
Alexandria essentially delivers a porn performance without the sex, and then tries to take over the set. She gets behind the camera, directs other girls, and generally annoys everyone. Brittani breaks into tears because she can”t help showing how stupid she thinks all this is.
Jaclyn cannot even deliver a single line, despite a voice just like Katy Mixon. The director likes Kasia”s takes. Dalya and Molly take direction very well. Mikaela manages to crank out a decent line, despite the fact that her hands are shaking like very caffeinated leaves.
And Sara? “About as sexy as watching paint dry,” Mr. Jay snipes. She clearly doesn”t find herself very bold or fierce or anything that might carry her through a life in modeling. All signs indicate an appointment with the bottom two at panel.
Speaking of which, it is time for panel. Nigel, Andre — all the fashion biggies are there, gurl, along with Hot Francesco.
First two girls up: Hannah and Monique. Monique sounds like Paris Hilton. Then Hannah sounds like Paris Hilton. But Nigel likes it great. He likes Hannah more than Monique, who is a little too reserved. (Look: It”s better than porn.) In fact, Hannah delivers one of the best performances of the week.
Jaclyn and Kasia are up next. And Tyra loves them. “That”s probably one of my favorite Top Model moments,” she raves.
“Ah was tryin” to shake mah fake booty,” Jaclyn confesses.
Brittani and Alexandria are criticized for not working as a unit — then again, did the director even set up a two-shot? No.
And then the director totally sells out Alexandria: He tells Tyra that she tried to boss everyone around on the set. Tyra and Andre are not amused.
Mikaela and Sara fall totally flat, despite help from fake curves. As for Molly and Dalya, well, half of them is decent. Dalya looks dead; Molly has a few terrific January Jones moments, but she doesn”t run with them.
So who goes home?
Kasia. Go, token chub, go! She is followed by Hannah, Jaclyn, Dalya, Monique, Molly, Mikaela, Brittani.
Bottom two: Alexandria, who needs to take her attitude home forthwith, and Sara, who needs to get some self esteem in the next two seconds if she wants to survive.
Sara is sent packing, leaving the rest of the girls to suffer under the tyranny of Alexandria for another week.
Next week: The girls shoot a Cover Girl commercial — when they aren”t wishing they could shoot Alexandria in the face.