Okay, I’ve seen the promos – there’s a Big Twist in the works, Angry Smoking Banana Casey looks psyched and Michele is pissed. And, knowing promos, it means absolutely nothing. All I’m saying.
Julie Chen says tonight is graduation, which I guess we should have expected given the theme of the show. Although I will say the clique thing didn’t seem to have much at all in common with real high school, in that the Popular clique (with the exception of Jordan) is out on its ass, the Brains (with the exception of Michele) are about as book smart as my handbag and the Off-Beats… well, they’re all a little weird, so that can stand.
[Full recap of Thursday (July 30) night’s “Big Brother,” complete with results, after the break…]
Julie says this could be the banana’s final appeal, which makes me want to smack that silly grin off her face. I’m almost as irritated with her as Jordan is with Ronnie, which is really, really irritated.
Casey, horrified at landing on the chopping block, calls Ronnie Teflon Ron, which is pretty catchy and possibly a catchier nickname than this enormous dork deserves. I prefer to think of him as another non-stick substance: Jell-O. Ronnie then tells us he feels splendiferous, which is yet another reason for his wife to pack her bags or at least change the locks while he’s out of the house. Jeff’s pissed about the double cross, and he should be, considering his teammates seem more loyal to a walking Jell-O mold than to him.
Jordan says she wants to tell Ronnie off and call him Jessie’s bitch, which is pretty feisty and yet another sign our corn-fed waitress is going to the dark side. Lounging in a shared pool of stewing resentment, Casey and Jordan commiserate about not being sheep. Jeff points out that Jessie’s a big wimp for zinging Casey in sunglasses, and really, he owes Casey a little respect considering the poor guy’s in a banana suit.
Lydia decides to visit Jessie in the dead of night, which seems a little stalker-y, especially when she reveals how much she enjoys watching him sleep. If he starts feeling a little drowsy going forward, he may want to check the bottom of his glass for a white sediment, all I’m saying. Then, Lydia daydreams about what’s going through his little peabrain while he flops around in bed. First guess is baby unicorns, are you serious? Has she talked to this guy? He’s probably whooping it up in a pile of half-naked sorority girls, Lydia, get real. Though I didn’t think it could get worse, Lydia goes on to mention that he’s very vulnerable when he’s sleeping, and that she could get revenge on him, and OMG she’s really, really scary.
Jordan is clearly getting used to this pawn thing, as she now has a plan to let Casey go all crazy angry in his save-me speech, allowing her to skate through to the next round. And that’s probably a good theory, honestly. Jordan may not be able to spell, but she’s a player, no doubt.
And she’s clearly a better player than Casey, who seems to think it’s a good idea to convince everyone they’re stupid sheep, which seems a little crazy. But he does seem to be convincing Kevin to keep him, as he knows Casey will go all attack dog crazy on Jessie if he survives.
Casey then chats with Russell, and makes the point that, compared to Nathalie and lap dog/Jell-O blob Ronnie, Russ’s just fourth-ranked dog food in Jessie’s world. He suggests Russell make an alliance with him and Jeff, and while Russell’s thinking about it, I’d be surprised if he actually did it.
Next, it’s time for some wildly uncomfortable producer-assisted romancin’. Since no one is actually making out in the house, it’s up to Big Bro producers to try their best to push one unlucky couple into the spotlight and force them to make out on camera. And that unlucky couple is… Jeff and Jordan!
Chima and Nathalie try to convince Jordan that she needs to hook up with Jeff, because he can cook without his shirt on. Then, it’s time for Jordan’s and Jeff’s families to weigh in about what wonderful people they are, which makes this feel a little like they’re trying to set up an arranged marriage. What I’d like to see is both Jeff and Jordan dying of embarrassment after they realize their parents are rooting for them to hook up on national television. First, we had people acting like sheep, now we may actually see a forced mating dance. Eww. Or, ewe.
Oh great, now we get analysis from the parents about why Jeff and Jordan are shy, which apparently has nothing to do with the fact they don’t want to be seen writhing around half-naked on television, but because they’ve had their hearts broken. Will this never end?
Apparently not. Because now we have to learn that Jeff’s mom hopes he’s found his future wife, while Jordan’s mom thinks they’d make pretty babies. I’m feeling wildly uncomfortable, and I’m not Jeff or Jordan. This is like having to take your parents on your first date, then have them score you your first kiss. Egads.
Finally, our suffering is ended and it’s time for us to visit the housemates with Julie ready to bully answers out of the most unwilling of victims. Ronnie tells Julie that, having emerged safe for another week, he’s learned that actions speak louder than words, but won’t explain himself, which is fine since he never makes that much sense anyway.
Julie then moves on to a bigger target – the emerging Lydia-Nathalie-Jessie threesome. Lydia says she’s fighting with Nathalie about a bed, even though Julie tries to get her to admit her true stalker-y love for Jessie, but it’s only Nathalie who admits it’s a bigger issue creating the catfight. But even she won’t say Jessie’s name.
Since Lydia and Nathalie aren’t talking, Julie asks Jessie what it’s like to be man meat, and of course he denies that his relationships with Nathalie and Lydia are anything more than platonic, which means Lydia is going to put pushpins of muscle-tearing revenge in his bed tonight. Then Jessie speaks romantic, touching gobbledygook about how they girls are probably playing him and how he sees them as useful allies, which is, I’m guessing, code for bed buddies. Then he changes the subject by wishing his dad a happy birthday.
Giving all hope of uncovering any good dish, which probably explains why Julie is doing this show instead of real news despite being very, very well-connected, Julie tells us it’s time for the nominees to beg for their lives. Jordan says pretty much what she’s said before, which is happy and smiley and sunnily blonde. Then, it’s Casey’s turn, and he holds nothing back. He points out that he’s been stabbed in the back by the dorkapottomus Ronnie and banana-I.Q. Jessie, then urges his housemates to save his ass, since he’s going to go after his mortal enemies with a rage even a banana suit can’t contain.
And, it’s all for naught. Crazily, Russell is the only one who votes for Jordan, and Casey is out on his butt. Have to say, Russell, you never fail to surprise me, and good for you for thinking strategically!
I’m sad to see Casey go, especially given how gleeful Ronnie and Nathalie are about his ouster, but at least he can get out of that stupid banana suit. He tells Jessie his word is mud, which makes Nathalie go all pugilistic. No matter how many times she tells us what a grown-up she is, well, the bratty schoolyard behavior speaks louder than, well, her.
I’d love to tell you what happens in the house after Casey’s exit, but apparently someone’s swearing a lot, because you can’t hear a damn thing.
Then, Casey sits down with Julie and says Jessie doesn’t impress him. Julie, trying to go all investigative reporter on him tries to get Casey to admit he was stupid to pick a margarita party, then basically calls him stupid for not putting two and two together, and poor Casey just nods his head, agreeing that he’s essentially too nice to do well at a game that’s entirely predicated on stabbing people in the back.
Then, just to rub salt in his wounds, Casey has to watch good-bye messages. Ronnie is his usual gloaty smart-ass self, Nathalie has to tell Casey she’s not 18 but 24, and Kevin wants to keep in touch, even though we know he voted for the Angry Smoking Banana. Finally, Jeff tells Casey he’s going to fight for him, which I hope he does.
Julie then has an important announcement make. Everyone seems to be predicting it by shouting “no more cliques!” Which kind of takes the wind out of Julie’s sails, but Kevin still looks like he’s going to cry.
But Julie does have at least one surprise, telling them that one housemate will be granted a mystery power that could change the course of the game. It’s the Coup D’Etat, which will allow this powerful housemate to replace the nominees on the block and overthrow the HOH. And the power will be given to… whoever America chooses!
I’m not sure I really care who gets this “mystery power,” honestly. I like Jeff, Jordan and Michele, but I’m not sure they’re devious enough to commit a truly daring double cross. But Jordan’s transition to jaded, miserable wench seems to be progressing nicely, and no one will expect it from her, so maybe, just maybe, she’s the one to vote for.
Finally, it’s time for the HOH competition, which is, amazingly, the most boring yet in a long history of boring HOH competitions. Everyone hangs from a rope and is spun around until they either throw up or fall. Wow, this is great television. Then they get hosed down. And then they get wacked with a giant foam diploma. Which makes this kind of like graduating from high school if you didn’t get into the college of your choice, I guess.
Who should have the power of Coup D’Etat? Did Casey deserve to go? Are you surprised Ronnie voted for Jordan?