Can you believe Shane, totally suckered by Dan’s Personal Sock Puppet (Danielle), is gone? Or that resident dork Ian, who seemed destined to be heading home on his tippy-toes in week one, is in the final three? Actually, the same could be said about both Dan (otherwise known as the biggest threat in the house to anyone thinking clearly) as well as Danielle (see sock puppet reference above). This isn’t the final three I ever would have predicted, but that’s the thing about “Big Brother.” Hard to predict. And this season, that doesn’t even take into consideration predicting the Hamster Most Likely to Wear a Pink Tank Top category. I mean, come on! It was a guy!
8:37pm – We’re running late due to football. But hey, tears are promised in the promo!
8:38pm – How many times are we going to see Danielle do that large mouth bass face as she reacts in shock to Dan’s decision to send Shane home? Danielle is still stunned. Ian is still stunned. Stunned, stunned, stunned.
8:39pm – Dan is worried about getting votes in the jury house. He should be. Dan tells Danielle he’s her coach and it’s his job to take her to the end. Ahem, hello? Not a coach anymore, Dan. But he has no doubt he can reel Danielle back in, because he’s fairly sure she’s slightly brain damaged.
8:40pm – Ian tip toes around the house and talks to himself. And then, he QUACKS to himself. I am afraid that if Ian wins, he will spend the money exclusively on box sets of “The Big Bang Theory” and Oreos. Lots and lots of Oreos.
8:41pm – Danielle yells at Dan. He lied to her again! He may actually stab HER in the back! She’s hurt! She’s not mad! Hurt! Get mad, Danielle. Dan assures her he’s trying to get her to the money. Dan tells her he only wants to coach her to the winner’s circle.
8:42pm – Danielle seems to be coming around. She tells Dan she’s a bad person. Wow, I actually think this is actually Stockholm Syndrome. And Danielle… yes, she’s forgiven Dan.
8:44pm – Oh wait! She hasn’t. She’s just TELLING Dan that. Thank God. If she really had been won over that easily, I’d say she’s too simple minded to actually hold down a job.
8:48pm – It’s a champagne brunch for the final three. Ian finds it unbelievable that he’s lasted this long. Me, too! Dan toasts to Danielle and Ian, who he’s coached the the finish. Um, no one has forgotten you can’t win this, Dan. Or at least I hope not.
8:50pm – Time to reminisce (reminiscing = lengthy clip package). “Remember when I suggested we call ourselves the Quack Pack?” asks Ian. “Remember when I said Dan will be returning to the show to coach?” asks Danielle. I swear Dan had more hair at the beginning of the show. “Remember Janelle?” This is starting to feel a little morbid. She’s not dead, guys.
8:53pm – Dan talks about how his Bible has been so important to him. “Remember when Boogie read the bible?” This is the longest brunch I can remember that didn’t involve vacation pictures.
8:56pm – “Remember when Britney beat up Frank’s teddy bear?” Sigh. It’s not a good sign when you’re relieved to get a commercial break.
9:01pm – “Remember Willie?” Aw, that was the first time Frank ended up on the block. That was back when he used to get upset about that sort of thing.
9:04pm – “Remember when Willie almost slugged Joe?” Was that the week the have-nots had fried pork rinds? Those do not look terrible.
9:07pm – Ah, Willie. Just as crazy as you remember.
9:11pm – Time to reminisce about Shane. Does Danielle have a Shane-shaped hole in her heart? Yes, actually, because SHANE NEVER STABBED HER IN THE BACK, DAN. She doesn’t say that exactly, but more or less. We watch Britney play therapist to Shane and Danielle in the Magic Way Back TV Machine. Britney tells Shane he needs to be consistent with her, and Danielle needs to understand why he doesn’t want to be overly affectionate and put a target on their backs. Honestly, I think Britney does a pretty good job. Go figure.
9:14pm – Ian reflects on his date with Ashley. She asks him to explain inorganic and organic chemistry, as she thought organic was the stuff she bought at the farmers’ market. Ian wishes Ashley could have seen him confront Frank. He showed confidence when he fought with Frank! Oh, that’s what that was? I thought he just lost his cool and was a sore loser. I still think Ashley would have always preferred to make out with Frank. Even when he was wearing a carrot suit.
9:18pm – Watching Ian and Frank fight, I’m still not so clear on why everyone thought Frank was guaranteed to win if he stayed in the house. Because he was largely friendly? They felt bad about his hair? Sorry, but Dan was always a bigger threat. And he hardly ever won a challenge.
9:25pm – The final three sit in the living room. “Remember Dan’s funeral?” Just as stupid the second time around. Effective, but stupid.
9:27pm – Okay, the only non-stupid part was making Danielle cry. It was just evil. Smart, but evil.
9:29pm – Ian says may the best duck win. I think the Quack Pack may go down in history as the dorkiest secret alliance name ever. But maybe Ian will get a guest spot on “Duck Dynasty” someday.
9:30pm – Part one of the final HOH competition. It’s called Hook, Line and Sinker. It involves sitting on a hook and being smashed against a wall while being rained on. Ian traditionally does well in these competitions.
9:31pm – Dan will do whatever it takes to get to the final two — even if that means stabbing one more person in the back. Yeah, we knew that. Danielle hopes Dan isn’t getting too comfortable, because it might be time for him to get stabbed in the back. Oh, we can only hope!
So, the final HOH has begun, and everything will be wrapped up on Wednesday. I’m a little nervous thinking that Ian may win HOH and take Dan to the final two, because I really want to see if Danielle stabs her pupper master in the back. That stuff never happened on “The Muppet Show.”
Who do you think will win? Who do you think deserves to win? And who do you think will win part one of the HOH competition?