Okay, I’ll be honest — just got back from Comic-Con and boy, are my arms tired. Or something like that. In any case, this recap might lean toward short and sweet, but I’m sure you understand.
Welcome to the Rachel Show! I have to say, this is getting a little routine. Where’s our Big Brother twist to keep things interesting? No mole? No massive flip-flop in the rules? I’ll admit, I’m a little behind (blame Comic-Con, see above), but so far, it just seems like a slow slog to newbie extinction.
So, Cassi is gone. The newbies are sad. The vets are happy! Wash, rinse, repeat.
Rachel announces her HOH room is ready, but no one is in the kitchen or living room! Where oh where are her fellow hamsters? Oh, wait, everyone” springs out of hiding places to pelt her with pillows in a playful way to mask their hostility!
Jeff did not know Rachel was engaged! I hope Rachel wasn’t trying to keep that under wraps (I know she’s mentioned it in the diary room, but I don’t know if she’s blabbed about it to the hamsters — maybe she did and Jeff just wasn’t paying attention). Thanks, Rachel’s sister, for nattering on about that in your letter!
Adam kisses Rachel”s ass. He tries to strike a deal with Rachel and Brendon. Rachel and Brendon think that”s a great idea! To his face! But they don’t have early onset Alzheimer’s! Adam, you can fool Brachel once… okay, you can fool them quite a bit, but they’re playing a better game this season.
Lawon is next to kiss HOH ass. He talks in circles. Rachel would rather be napping.
Dom snores. Jeff throws things at Dom’s head when he snores. Dom might have sleep apnea or something. Seriously, he should see a doctor. He sounds like a freigh train.
Everyone gets to compete in the luxury competition. No have-nots this week, which I”m sure comes as a huge relief to the newbies as they are single-handedly keeping the gruel industry in business.
Time to plug the new CBS show, “Same Name”! The hamsters are given clues by some shlubby guy as to which famous person with whom he shares a name. That is, if you consider some soap and opera glasses clues. But Jordan actually comes up with a friggin” name. Personally, when I look at soap and opera glasses my first thought is not, um, “Baywatch,” but I think Jordan may be a genius only because we”ve all seen the promo for the David Hasselhoff episode of “Same Name.”
Next clue, microphone. Dom has no idea. Brendon tells Rachel it”s stupid to guess on the first clue. Um, why? The hamsters start randomly throwing out guesses like they’re spastically tossing spaghetti at the wall. Michael Jackson! Michael C. Hall! Ricky Martin! Barbra Streisand! That guy in the Old Spice commercials! Who knows!
Next clue: a guy in a suit of armor. A knight. Jordan is so right. And then David Hasselhoff shows up in Knightrider or at least a big, black car that doesn’t appear to talk. Lots of excitement, because the hamsters haven”t seen anyone new in a month! Hasselhoff must have felt like he was in Germany.
Dom tucks in David Hasselhoff. I’m not sure why, but it”s a big moment for Dom. Then, Hasselhoff announces Jordan is the winner. She gets a private party with three other people in the HOH room. She picks Kalia, Shelly and Jeff. Rachel is PISSED! And rightfully so, honestly. I know she doesn”t love Rachel, but come on. Either invite just the girls, or Rachel and Brendon. This looks bad. And why the hell would you want Kalia? She”s just as annoying as Rachel and she doesn”t win anything.
Jordan, Jeff and the slackers settle in to watch an episode of, yes, “Same Name” while snacking on sushi and champagne with the Hoff.
Brendon and Rachel are not graceful losers, even when all they’re fighting for is sushi. They fight. Rachel cries. Brendon grovels. Rachel is tired of this drama. We”re ALL tired of this drama. Dom thinks they”re like third grade kids. Dom is finally right about something.
The Hoff gives Jordan two kisses, one on each cheek. Hoff thinks he would have aligned with Jeff and Jordan if he were in the house. Good thinking, Hoff.
Brendon thinks Rachel should put Jeff and Jordan on the block. Brendon, calm the hell down. Sometimes I find it hard to believe you”re up for a Ph. D. Brendon wants to go home. He regrets playing the game again. Rachel thinks they”re a self-destructing couple. Ding, ding, ding!
Jeff, Jordan, Kalia and Shelly watch TV. Plug, plug, plug!
Rachel and Brendon talk about marriage. Rachel wants a dream wedding! Even though he”s mean!
More TV! Plug, plug! Shelly cries a little! The show is just THAT GOOD. Or she”s just that stressed out having to share a thin-walled house with Brachel and a wheezing mucus machine like Dom.
Brendon gets so scared when he and Rachel fight. There”s lots of tearful head rubbing. Just break up already, okay? You know you’re going to, and it will save you the money you’ll spend getting married and going on a honeymoon during which you’ll just bitch at each other in beautiful, romantic locations.
Dom waits for the crying and screaming to stop, then begs to play with them. Brendon makes a deal with Dom to have an alliance with him and Daniele. What? Well, this just got interesting. Daniele pleads with Brachel to put Jeff and Jordan on the block, so they”ll do the dirty work. Daniele may be laying low, but she’s no dumb bunny.
Jeff goes to Brachel to do some post-sushi damage control. Lots of nodding, but there’s tension. Rachel, don’t be a baby!
Time for nominations! Rachel has struck a deal with everyone in the house, so there’s no way of knowing what the hell she’s going to do.
First safe duo is… Jeff and Jordan.
Second safe duo is… Kalia and Lawon.
Adam and Dom are on the block for the second week in a row. Adam thinks he”s a pawn. Dom thinks he”s a pawn. Daniele thinks it”s in her best interest to get rid of a really strong player this week (read: Dom). Rachel MUST win the POV as she might want to make a Really Big Game Move. Oh, Rachel. Please don”t do something stupid. Keep to the plan!
Do you think Rachel wants to backdoor Jeff and Jordan? Do you think she’ll really try to rescue Dom? And which housemate is annoying the crap out of you most?