Recap: ‘The Bachelor’ heads to Panama City and gets a two-on-one

02.07.12 6 years ago


Things are getting serious on “The Bachelor.” But they couldn’t be too serious, because Courtney is still here, sucking on her overbite, ripping off her clothes and generally not being the kind of classy dame Ben claims to consider marriage material. But then again, I’m not sure Ben’s using his head at all (at least not the one on his shoulders) as he seems to devolve into a stuttering 13-year-old dork whenever Courtney comes around. Actually, Ben seems pretty dorky in a general sense, but given that all these women are willing to overlook that glaring character flaw, it does make good television. And I’m sure at least one of them will get a cask of questionably good booze if she plays her cards right. 

Anyway, they’re off to Panama City, Panama! Oh, look, a little map with an animated plane graphic so we can see where they’ve been! Courtney sucks on her overbite and thinks about skinny dipping again! Yay!

This week, we have a group date, a one-on-one, and a two-on-one. Which sounds like a set up for a porn movie, but this being ABC, it’s just a weird, awkward third wheel arrangement which ends in one girl getting sent home.  

Ben drops off a date card. It’s a one-on-one for Kacie B. She has to pack three things of her choice for their mystery date. I think Kacie B. is going to win this whole thing, but Courtney thinks Ben is unsure about her. Courtney and Kacie B. are like the Evil Queen and Snow White, aren’t they? Maybe they can get cameos on “Once Upon A Time” or something. 

Guess what! Ben and Kacie B. are getting on a HELICOPTER! The only acceptable mode of transportation for “The Bachelor”! I would like to see one of the girls puking up her guts into the Panama Canal, as I would think sometimes helicopters are not exactly romantic but nausea inducing, but hey, maybe next season. They’re off to a deserted island, San Blas. Maybe Courtney has reason to think Kacie B. might get the boot, because Ben worries they’ve run out of things to talk about. Yeah, right. 

On the beach, Ben asks to see what Kacie B. has packed. She’s packed a monkey, a corkscrew and a bag of candy. A monkey? He brought a machete, fishing net and matches. Ben thinks she packed well. Ben is very forgiving. With their tools in hand, they have to go get coconuts. He thinks this is a good way to find out if they can work together. I think it’s a good way to get sand flea bites. 

Kacie B. thinks it’s hot watching Ben crack into a coconut. Really? Because I think he looks like someone who was never, ever a Boy Scout. Still, they catch a fish! Which they get to eat! And it only looks a little disgusting! I bet someone is thinking it would have been a good idea to pack a little salt or parsley at this point, but luckily, they’re going to get some real food shortly. 

Still, pretending they’re on “Lost” has been rewarding for Ben. Kacie B. is fun! And goes with the flow! And that’s what Ben wants! If he says “go with the flow” one more time on this show, I think we need a drinking game. 

Time for the second date card. Emily, Lindzi, Casey S., Courtney and Jamie will be on the group date. That leaves Blakeley and Rachel for the two-on-one. Blakeley is SO excited! Rachel is SO miserable! I don’t think Rachel should worry, honestly, as Blakely is so excited I think she’s a little scary at this point.  

But, back to Ben and Kacie B.’s date, which has gotten off the island and ended up in a nice restaurant. Kacie B. is ready to talk about tough things. She can’t relate to people her own age. Why, oh why? asks Ben. In high school she had an eating disorder. It lasted a year. She was bulimic and anorexic. She learned a lot. Like, the calorie count on a box of Oreos? No, she learned that beauty isn’t just skin deep. It made her a stronger person and probably ruined her teeth. But Ben thinks she’s a brave girl. It took guts to tell him this afterschool special truth of hers! He wants to learn more about her. So, she gets a rose. They are so getting married. 

The group date is about exploring the jungle. He doesn’t need a woman who can get into exploring jungle rivers as much as he needs a girl who can go with the flow. Drink! He and the girls get into the rainforest via beaten-up motorboat. Kids are playing soccer in loincloths! So, they must stop here, as there is much local flavor and people are wearing beaded items! They go to Embera Village, where the girls are ordered to take toff their tops off and put on beaded tops. All of the girls except for Courtney just put on the beaded tops over their bikinis, but Courtney is THRILLED to have an excuse to go topless! Then, Ben appears wearing an enormous loin cloth. He’s so disappointed the girls aren’t half naked, and he admires Courtney’s spunk. Or something.  

They do tribal painting on one another. Courtney draws B + C = heart on Ben’s back. Ah, yes, mean AND childish plus easy equals the perfect girl! 

The group date eventually ends up at the Trump Ocean Club, where no one goes topless, not even Courtney. Lindzi tells him she’s cried over him, but she wants to connect. They kiss. He’s charmed. But then, he’s also charmed by Courtney. He loves that she’s assertive with him! She then is even more assertive and gives him her room number. You know, in case he wants to take a breather, a nap, that sort of thing. She certainly doesn’t mean anything by it! 

Jamie tells Ben she’s scared and nervous, while Courtney makes a point of stripping down to a bikini and hopping in the pool in the background. Ben basically has no awareness of words coming out of Jamie’s mouth, Jamie or where he is. All we need here are those animated ooga-ooga eyeballs and a twenty foot tongue coming out of Ben’s mouth. 

Luckily, Ben does get to talk to a few other women without Easy C flopping around in the background. Emily jokes about having fallen in love with another man — the chief of the village tribe they just met. Ben loves that she’s funny! And smart! And, I’d like to point out, nothing like Courtney.

Still, Emily is feeling so positive she decides to apologize to Courtney. Maybe she’s not so bad after all! Courtney accepts the apology — but makes it clear she will never be friends with Emily, will never forgive her and has no respect for her. Emily is soon realizing she never should have apologized to Courtney in the first place, but good on her for trying to take the high road.  

Lindzi gets the group date rose, which is only amusing because we get to see Courtney suck on her overbite and pout like a big baby. She’s been consistently disappointed by men. And when she goes back to her hotel room, anxiously awaiting his booty call, I mean, drop in for a nap and a chat, he never shows! Yay!

Time for the two-on-one, which is constructed to make the girls miserable, because it’s a Latin dancing lesson for Blakeley and Rachel. Rachel goes through the steps, but Blakeley makes it clear she can DANCE. And wrap a leg around Ben. And act like a praying mantis contemplating eating her mate whole. It’s really sexy if you like scary, scary women, I suppose. 

Rachel tells Ben she likes him. They kiss. Then, it’s Blakeley’s turn. Blakeley gets weepy. She tells Ben she’s made a horrifying, stalker-y scrapbook of her feelings for him. RUN, Ben, RUN. I hope the producers gave this chick safety scissors. I see Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction” here. Yowza.

I was thinking, given Ben’s phenomenally bad judgment up to this point, he’d go with Crazypants, but instead he gives the rose to… Rachel. Wow. Blakeley walks off without speaking to him. He just wants to explain! He really appreciates her opening up to him. Because now he knows she’s totally batcrap crazy. Really, I never understand why the bachelors and bachelorettes always seem to want to explain their feelings. It’s simple — you dumped someone. Let them skulk away with the last shreds of their dignity. 

Chris Harrison pops in to the suite. He has something serious to deal with, and he needs to borrow Casey S. And what is this serious thing? A death in the family? A hurricane destroying her house back in the states? A misfiled tax return? No. Three different people back in the U.S. claim that she’s in love with someone else and that she’s not in love with Ben. Big whoop. 

Casey S.’s ex-boyfriend says they’re still in a relationship. But they’re not! Oh, okay, maybe they are. Maybe she needs to get over him more. Maybe she should be in therapy or something. She doesn’t want to be in love with Michael! But she is. Oh, come on. I think Casey S. needs to go home simply for acting like a ditzy high school student at this point. They go to find Ben and talk about her clearly screwed up feelings.

She tells Ben she’s not over her ex. But that’s not holding her back! Ben says, um, yeah, it is. He feels like she’s closed off and standoffish. He wishes she’d been honest with him, because he’s sent other women who really liked him home. He doesn’t sugarcoat things, and he thinks she should get packed and go. Casey sobs like a little girl. She has to, like, find someone ELSE now! Like, that’s HARD!  

Still, this development is interesting. On the most recent season of “The Bachelorette,” Wesley didn’t get outed like this. Yes, Ashley was informed that he may not have the best intentions. But still, the show let him stick around, making fun of her behind her back, until he wanted to leave — then, let him come back for some pointless reconnection. Is this because Ben was given the info and he wanted to boot her, or is this just a new “The Bachelor” rule?  

Chris Harrison tells the girls in the suite about why Casey S. got the boot. He tells them they’d damn well better be open to finding love. If they’re not, they should step off. But it’s time for the cocktail party! Get dressed up and act pretty, girls!

Nicki has high hopes. She’s falling for Ben. Sadly, Jamie knows she’s shy and prudish. But she needs to show Ben she’s all woman! And how does she do that? Jamie straddles Ben and makes out with him. But she keeps giggling. Then, she gives him instructions on how to kiss. Open mouth! Closed mouth! Closed, closed, now OPEN! She’s like a swim instructor with a high student fatality rate. 

Time for the rose ceremony! Kacie B., Lindzi and Rachel have roses. Three roses will be passed out. One girl will go home. 

Ben has been thinking about trust. And he trusts these women. Dumbass. Courtney is not to be trusted!

First rose goes to… NIcki.

Second rose goes to… Courtney.

Third and final rose goes to… Emily. 

Yeah, Jamie, those kissing instructions? Weird and a little creepy. She’s scared of love, but she wants it! Then stop acting like that, Jamie!

Anyway, the remaining girls better pack their bags, because next week they’re off to Belize! And maybe Blakeley can keep working on her little scrapbook to send to Ben, complete with photos of himself with scratched out eyes and big, black exes through his head. Not that that’s frightening in the least.

Do you think it was Blakeley’s turn to go? Do you think Ben’s going to be on to Courtney next week? And who do you think is going to get the ring?  

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