“X Factor” time!
Sorry I couldn’t do my normal Eastern Time live-blog of the auditions, but I was fasting and atoning for me sins.
But now it’s time for an evening of recapping, so let’s get back to “X Factor” auditions, which seem to be lasting forever, just like the auditions on “The Voice.” Between the two shows, we’re up to 12 singing audition episodes and the 2012-2013 season is three nights old.
More after the break…
8:03 p.m. We’re back in Providence. Yes, we’ve already been in Providence multiple times. So sue me… I like my auditions to be linear.
8:04 p.m. And every time we go to Providence, I have to comment on Britney’s red dress, which remains spectacular. Anyway, we’re in Britney’s hotel room and she’s messing with Judges’ Assistant Wade, because wade had the nerve to ask her if she wants anything special. This is only funny if Britney Spears has never, in the history of her entertainment career, asked an assistant for anything unreasonable. Otherwise… Ick. Poor Wade. I hope she doesn’t get that straw hat.
8:05 p.m. Lots of excitement. Most of it is generated by Britney’s red dress.
8:06 p.m. Simon shows up on a motorized Scooter. I’m not sure why. But I’ll bet Wade had to get it for him. Poor Wade.
8:07 p.m. We meed Adonis & John. They’re a group. They’re calling themselves The OGs — The Original Greeks. They’ve come out of the basement to showcase their art. One of them walks around backstage quoting from “300.” I’d been amused previously. I’m not anymore. It’s John who isn’t funny. Adonis is a bit funnier. As for talent? Let’s just say that the audience starts booing before they hit the first chorus of “Hello.” Demi, however, is having ironic fun. And Britney augments her open-mouthed, head-tilted smile with a nervous giggle. And then a full-on dolphin cackle. “The good news is that you have a day job,” L.A. Reid says. Four “No” votes for Adonis and John. Demi’s kinda mean to them. Mean Demi is my favorite Demi, even if we know that Providence was already the city in which Demi commiserated with that girl about the pain of being bullied. So… Yeah.
8:12 p.m. More people stink, including Sophia Harlow and dancing singer named Ivan, some woman named Caitlin and a fantastic robotic mime who vows to take Demi’s slot next year. Here’s why this is stupid: They’re making it seem like they had a tough start in Providence, but we’ve already seen a bunch of very talented singers from performers from the city. So when Simon mocks L.A. Reid for saying they’d find good singers in Providence… We already know they did.
8:18 p.m. Oh come on. Poor Wade. He got Britney a straw hat. Now she doesn’t want it and she wants a tiara. I hate Britney now. Was that the point of this episode? Meet high school student Dinah Jane Hansen. Will she turn around what has been a wasted episode so far? She looks up to Britney Spears. That’s because she hasn’t seen Britney torturing Wade. Dinah’s 15, but she looks 30. I don’t know if that’s because she’s mature or poorly styled. Leaving aside questions about her age and how many cousins she roommates, Dinah starts off a bit rough and breathy, but as she gets into the melodic heart of “If I Were a Boy,” suddenly her voice just explodes out of her. Given her youth, it’s pretty easy to excuse the initial uncertainty. Dinah’s got great raw materials. L.A. Reid says she took the song places Beyonce didn’t take it. “You made my day,” Britney raves. “I got the chills several times while you were singing,” Demi says. “This is why we came to Providence,” Simon says. I’m fairly sure he said the exact same thing to a previous Providence contestants. Anyway, that’s four “Yes” votes for Dinah.
8:31 p.m. Wade gives Britney her tiara. Britney gives it to Simon. Simon gives it to Britney.
8:32 p.m. Ha. Remember InTENsity? No? Just as well. It turns out that 16-year-old Arin Ray was one of the soloists stuck in InTENsity last season. And the experience has turned him into Urkel. Or at least a teenager who wears bowties and suspenders. “I liked you last year. I hope I like you again this year,” L.A. Reid says. Simon suggests he’s grown from a boy to a man in a year. And Arin hasn’t even sung yet. Arin’s doing an original song. As always, the judges are wary. The song is a decent R&B joint and Demi and Britney are clearly having inappropriate feelings. “I liked you last year, I like you even more this year,” L.A. Reid now says. “You embody ‘X Factor’ all day and night,” Reid says. “Your confidence is really, really hot,” Demi coos. Simon’s impressed with Arin’s new confidence. Four “Yes” votes for Arin.
8:38 p.m. Another overly mature 16-year-old, Natalie Martin says that Britney Spears is her Idol. She gets four “Yes” votes. Nick Perrelli is also 16 and also fairly talented, even if he’s just a teenage Michael Buble-lite. Nick also gets four “Yes” votes. After all of these kids, Beatrice Miller is… 13. She’s got a really big, untrained voice and she could have potential, because she got four “Yes” votes, too.
8:42 p.m. We leave solists for the group One4Five. With their weird zombie eyes and astounding energy, they’re much more interesting than all of the underaged crooners we’ve been seeing in this segment. Lots more “Yes” votes.
8:46 p.m. This is the most time that any non-resident has EVER spent in Providence.
8:46 p.m. Oh God. We’re going to be horrifyingly xenophobic towards much-too-old Changyi, who dresses in a sailor fetish costume and dreams of being a pop star. She’s 52, but she’s not married because, “I’m picky.” Oh. She’s dressed like a sailor because she’s doing the song from “Titanic.” And lemme just say… If you’re lauching at any of this, you’re racist. Oh God. This is unwatchable. But you know who’s laughing? That’s right! Anti-Bullying activist Demi Lovato. “If they ever remake the film, you could replace the iceberg,” Simon says. “I just don’t think singing is for you. I think you should probably start dancing or something,” Britney says. Four “No” votes.
8:54 p.m. Bye, Providence. Back to Greensboro. Austin Corini is 16 and he’s already making teenage girls from the audience really creepy. He’s got a creepy blonde fauxhawk and it’s not surprising that he would make silly mall girls goofy. Nobody’s looking good in this situation, though Austin at least proudly declares his intention to be out there with Justin Bieber. Oh right! Greensboro was where Demi had the geometrically unfathomable hair. Austin has an OK voice, but teenyboppers sure love him. [Why does my spellcheck recognize “teenybopper,” but not “fauxhawk”?] Britney thinks he’s “adorable” and “cute.” “You’re so cute,” coos Demi, though she admits that she wasn’t jumping out of her seat. L.A. Reid thinks Austin is adorable, but not unique. Simon thought that was only 80 percent. Britney and Demi give Austin “Yes” votes and L.A. Reid finally agrees.
9:07 p.m. Wow. We’ve finally discovered what it takes to get Britney Spears up and dancing: A performance of “Ice Ice Baby” from a 20-year-old toilet cleaner. That would be Nick Youngerman, who somehow gets four “Yes” votes for doing Vanilla Ice karaoke.
9:08 p.m. Meet Jaime. They’re actually two people and they’re really into public displays of affection. They’re newly engaged and they’re convinced that something outside of them brought them together. They’re hoping to fund their wedding with the $5 million prize, with Simon officiating their nuptials. Brace yourself for a trainwreck. They take the stage an immediately profess their love. And… even better… They’re doing an original. The saddest part is that they’re probably better than their song. The song is astoundingly bad, but they’re just… meh. Simon found it too corny. “I don’t get it,” L.A. Reid says. And that’s it for Jamie. At least they have their love. They walk off the stage insisting that they’re proud of their sound.
9:13 p.m. A 13-hour drive proves 26-year-old David Correy’s dedication. He’s hoping this show will give him the chance to reconnect with his birth-mother. He’s got lots of ink and lots of piercing and L.A. Reid thinks that his dream of reconnecting with his birth-mother is beautiful. David’s got a big voice, but he’s *way* over-singing Bruno Mars. Britney calls him “amazing.” L.A. Reid calls him “charming.” Four “Yes” votes.
9:22 p.m. And now we’re in San Francisco.
9:22 p.m. A 27-year-old vocal coach, Tara Simon is ready to step into the spotlight. But Sophie Tweed-Simmons is already in the spotlight. See, her mother is soft-core legend Shannon Tweed and her dad is Gene Simmons. She grew up with music, but she didn’t want to make it only because of her dad. She wants to prove to herself that she has talent. Demi immediately identifies her as Nick’s sister and Gene’s daughter. Sophie looks like she wants to crawl under a rock. BRITNEY IN GLASSES. Anyway, though, Sophie can definitely sing. She has some things in her phrasing that I think are slightly odd, but that doesn’t take away from the tone and range she displays. Demi thinks she needs more control, but she has something special. L.A. Reid wanted more goosies. “I think you have an amazing voice,” Britney says. “Thank you, ma’am,” Sophie responds. L.A. Reid votes “No.” Britney votes “Yes.” Demi votes “Yes.” And Simon votes “Yes.” In your face, L.A. Reid.
9:31 p.m. Oh sigh. Tara Simon is going to be tonight’s crazy-hater-bitch. She tells another girl that Sophie only advanced because she’s Gene Simmons’ daughter.
9:36 p.m. Now Tara Simon is doing pushups. Oh my. “I am the Simon Cowell of my studio,” Tara says. “I think I’ve had what it takes to be a star all my life and I think I already am one,” says this confused woman. She’s competitive and she wants to take out Christina Aguilera. In five years, she sees herself judging on “The X Factor.” A long and awkward conversation ensues where she tries rationalizing which judge’s position she expects to take. And as for the singing thing… Let’s just say that I feel bad for the people who have paid to have this marble-mouthed over-singer instruct them. Go away, Tara. She ends with an upper-register run that’s not unimpressive. Confusingly, the audience likes her. “I don’t think we’ve even tapped what you’re capable of doing,” Simon says, but he likes the steel in her eyes. “I’m really happy about that audition,” L.A. Reid says. “You’re a true performer,” Demi says. Four “Yes” votes. Ick.
9:47 p.m. Finally a potentially talented older person. Daryl Black is 37 and the musical intro indicates that he’s going to express himself. And, indeed. He has one of the best voices we’ve heard this season. “You’ve got a golden voice,” L.A. Reid says. “You remind me of Nat King Cole,” Simon says. Four “Yes” votes.
9:56 p.m. Are we going to squeeze one last singer in? Oh. Right. We met 13-year-old Trevor Moran a while back. Almost instantly, we can tell that Trevor’s parents are enabling him. “He love to make people happy,” his mom says him.
9:59 p.m. Uh-oh. One hour later… They’re looking for Trevor and nobody can find him. He’s curled up in a pale ball and they have to call the paramedics. Ah, the ol’ “Is somebody gonna die?” FOX cliffhanger. Every time as classless as the time before.
What’d you think of Wednesday’s episode?