Scientist discovers ‘puppy-sized’ spider, time to abandon the Earth to spider overlords

Deputy Entertainment Editor
10.20.14

Humanity has sealed its own fate. We had our chance to get out, back in the 1960s. In fact, we were on the fast track off this rock but when the moon turned out to be nothing but a dust ball, we got bored and left. And then we gutted space program funding until it was but a shell of our once decadent dreams of interstellar domination. 

It was the last mistake we”ll ever make. Because the spiders are evolving. 

Harvard entomologist Piotr Naskrecki was just taking a stroll through the rainforest of Suriname- because he either has balls of steel or a death wish – when he spotted something moving through the undergrowth. Assuming it was a small mammal, Naskrecki closed in with his flashlight to get a better look. 

I”d like to stop here to mention that in any half-decent horror films, we”d be learning about this from Naskrecki”s blood-stained journal because THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DIE.

Luckily the universe wasn”t paying attention to her stage cue and our scientist lived to tell the tale of seeing a huge brown, furry…spider. 


Photo Credit: Piotr Naskrecki

We”ve known about Goliath Birdeater spiders for years but never before have humans realized what we”re dealing with. Naskrecki – lending credence to the “balls of steel” theory – opted to get closer to examine our future nemesis. According to Piotr”s blog,

“Every time I got too close to the birdeater it would do three things. First, the spider would start rubbing its hind legs against the hairy abdomen. “Oh, how cute!”, I thought when I first saw this adorable behavior, until a cloud of urticating hair hit my eyeballs, and made me itch and cry for several days. If that wasn”t enough, the arachnid would rear its front legs and open its enormous fangs, capable of puncturing a mouse”s skull, and tried to jab me with the pointy implements. The venom of a birdeater is not deadly to humans but, in combination with massive puncture wounds the fangs were capable of inflicting, it was definitely something to be avoided. And then there was a loud hissing sound. For a long time the source of the sound was a mystery, but now we know that it is produced by “setal entanglement” – some of the hairs (setae) on the legs are covered with microscopic hooks that scrape against other, feather-like setae, producing the loud warning hiss.”


Photo Credit: Piotr Naskrecki

In other words, we have to get off this planet…or we”re going to die. Fire up the engines, NASA, we”ve got work to do! Lest THIS be the fate of man.


Image Credit: New Line Cinema

Via Live Science

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