‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ recap: ‘Battle of the Booty’

01.21.13 5 years ago 2 Comments

Whatever did this show do before Kenya? Really, the girl is a one woman drama factory, and now that NeNe finds reality TV a bit beneath her, Kim has shuffled off to her own show and Sheree has been unceremoniously dumped, “The Real Housewives” desperately needs an unhinged nutbag like this one. Even with Walt out of the picture, she’s still able to stir up plenty of drama all on her on with nothing more than a twirl-worthy dress and a hair flip. Bring it on, Crazypants!

First off, Kenya and Cynthia have a chat at the Bronner Brothers International Hair Show, which is a Very Big Deal in Atlanta. But who cares about hair? Kenya has news — she’s going to be making a stallion workout video. You know, like Phaedra’s donkey booty workout video, but different! “Who wouldn’t want to be a stallion?” she asks Cynthia. Um, a woman? Does she not know that a stallion is a male horse? Why not call it a thoroughbred workout video? Or a unicorn video? Or anything that isn’t synonymous with big, testosterone-riddled man-horses?

Though Cynthia isn’t about to get pulled into what is clearly shaping up to be a Phaedra-Kenya death match, Kandi isn’t so reluctant. When Kandi visits her hairdresser Derek J, who just happened to be sitting with Cynthia and Kenya at the hair show, he mentions to her that Kenya is making a stallion workout video. Kandi hops on the phone to Phaedra, who doesn’t sound all that surprised. I’m guessing this is just a fake argument concocted to drive interest in whatever workout videos actually hit stores, but it’s sure to be fun nonetheless.

Cynthia, who is rounding up child runway models for a charity event called Runway Red, either invites Phaedra to include little Ayden in the narcissistic waddlefest or gets bullied into it, but either way, Phaedra and Apollo drag little Ayden to his first runway rehearsal. Because he was born to model, he sucks his hand and screams for his mommy the entire time. “Phaedra needs to get over this,” Cynthia says, and she’s not wrong. Ayden just wants to play with his toy car, so maybe, here’s an idea, Phaedra should let him. In the middle of this mess, Porsha shows up to prove she’s still on the show.

After the rehearsal, Porsha, Cynthia and Phaedra gather on the curb to talk about, what else? The stallion workout video! Porsha feels so vindicated the Kenya has turned on Phaedra, while Phaedra wonders if Kenya is an alcoholic or perhaps has a chemical imbalance. Cynthia just listens, and I’m waiting for her to take out a notebook or turn on the record function on her phone, just so she can make sure she parrots every single detail back to her new BFF Kenya. Cynthia thinks it’s VERY unprofessional of Phaedra to be making these comments about Kenya, and I don’t know why. Phaedra and Kenya are no longer working together — why does she have to be professional about anything?

Of course, we need to hear Kenya bitch, too, so Kandi goes out with Kenya to visit Kenya’s production designer, Tim. Poor Tim has to listen to Kenya bitch about how she wasted four weeks on pre-production and how she’s simply making the stallion workout video because she needs to take advantage of the distribution deal she got Phaedra. Kandi isn’t buying it. “That’s bootlegging!” she says over and over, until Tim finally decides to sneak out of the room. Eventually, Kandi simply tells Kenya she needs to talk to Phaedra, but Kenya isn’t interested. She’s enjoying calling Phaedra Fake-dra behind her back too much to be a grown-up and have a civil conversation so soon!

It turns out that Phaedra may not have needed Kenya at all, as she and Apollo take a meeting with two producers who are the top exercise video distributors in the country and work with Phaedra’s “close personal friend” Jane Fonda. I’m thinking Phaedra went on some kind of female empowerment workshop vacation that involved getting to meet Jane Fonda, which is why she has a photograph with her, but nevertheless, Phaedra clearly has another viable option on the table. 

But, because we haven’t flogged a dead stallion thoroughly enough, we now have to have Phaedra go out for coffee with Porsha, so they can talk about how awful Kenya is. Phaedra seems weirdly uncomfortable with Porsha, but that may have something to do with her feeling sorry for the mentally feeble. Alas, Porsha just can’t seem to let go of the fact that Phaedra seemed to take Kenya’s side in Anguilla. Clearly, she just wants Phaedra to kneel down and admit to being placed under a spell by Kenya that made it impossible for her to see that Porsha was absolutely, 100 percent in the right, but I think Phaedra just looks too tired and irritated to give a crap about Porsha’s need for validation. Still, Phaedra is happy to tell Porsha that Kenya is the devil’s little sister, and Porsha couldn’t be more pleased. She made a friend on the show! Mostly!

Finally, it’s time for everyone to get together for Runway Red. Guess what? Ayden didn’t want to walk down the runway, so Apollo carries him down on his shoulder. It’s actually kind of cute, but seriously, Phaedra has to stop pimping out her kid, or at least save half of her “RHoA” salary for his long-term psychotherapy. 

The girls gather together and, guess what they talk about? The stallion vs. donkey debate! NeNe does not like the word donkey. “It’s not CUTE,” she brays, sounding not unlike, well, a donkey. Still, she wants to test out both videos, then tell Phaedra and Kenya who the winner is. This is her way of saying she would like both of them delivered to her house, free of charge, as she is a celebrity these days. 

Of course, it’s not long before Phaedra and Kenya get into it. “You do know that a stallion is a male stud horse?” Phaedra asks Kenya, using her, “you might be a little stupid” tone. Kenya does know, and she doesn’t care! Stallions are beautiful, not like stinky, fat old donkeys. So there!

Phaedra suggests that Kenya is bootlegging, while Kenya thinks she’s simply being a smart businesswoman. “If I want to make a video because I’m hot, I’m gonna make a video because I’m hot,” she says, pointing out that she’s already a “beauty brand.” Really? Because I have not seen any Kenya Moore products anywhere, um, ever. Soon, Apollo has gotten into it, and he’s calling Kenya a biter, and Kenya is pretending not to know what that means, and then Apollo is calling her a copycat, and Kenya is twirling and you know what that means and HEY, WHERE IS AYDEN? Seriously, Phaedra and Ayden dragged their damn kid to this event and I think they left him somewhere to fend for himself. No wonder he cries for Mommy and chews on his hand. They probably consider craft services their part-time babysitter.

In other news, NeNe and Gregg are too stupid (or at least pretend to be too stupid) to know how to put together a crib. Go ahead and weep for humanity.

Do you think Kenya is bootlegging or just taking advantage of the deal on the table? Do you think Porsha and Phaedra will really become friends? And would you do a donkey booty workout, a stallion workout, or neither?

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