This week, we get to meet our latest housewife, Porsha. It seems fitting that Porsha battles with our other new housewife, Kenya, over an extremely trivial matter, and it all ends in name calling and hurt feelings. This is how our beloved housewives roll, so it’s nice to see the new kids picking up the ball so quickly. Of course, they aren’t the only housewives on the show, though the other housewives seem too tired and battle-worn to get fired up about much of anything this early in the season. Still, it’s nice to check in with them, check their temperatures and make sure they haven’t become too Zen and conflict-averse (NeNe, I’m looking at you). Maintaining housewives is like training pitbulls. Once they lose their taste for blood, they might as well become housepets.
Speaking of NeNe, she’s so wrapped up in her new Hollywood life, she can barely bother herself with this silly little show. Or her ex-husband, Gregg. Gregg wants her back, and wants her back desperately. He’s so desperate to get her back, in fact, he’s willing to get a pedicure with NeNe while reciting bad poetry to her. NeNe makes faces. Gregg wants keys to her house — AND her heart! NeNe makes faces. Gregg gets down on the floor, pushes aside the nail technician, and kisses NeNe’s feet. NeNe squeals, then makes faces. I don’t see her popping keys off her chain, though, so I think Gregg is going to have to do a lot more kissing up to win her back. Hopefully, though, we won’t have to watch it.
Phaedra meets Kenya for gelato, and it’s pretty obvious a friendship is afoot. Phaedra thinks Kenya’s a strange bird, but she’s a strange bird, too. I think they may be entirely different species, like a robin with one pink feather and a sci-fi creature that eats human flesh and walks, but okay. Phaedra pitches Kenya on her donkey booty workout tape, and Kenya offers to produce it. Watching this scene play out is like seeing a car accident in slow motion. You want to push Phaedra out of harm’s way, but the tractor trailer that is Kenya keeps on chugging along. I suspect we may never see Phaedra’s donkey booty workout tape, as she and Kenya will inevitably get into an ugly fight and whatever footage that is shot will be put into cold storage, but I can’t say I’m too sad about that. I know that a donkey booty is just a round bottom, but it just makes me think of livestock.
Kenya tells Phaedra about her horrible childhood. Phaedra makes sympathetic noises. Kenya actually presents a pretty impressive case that she’s emerged, phoenix-like, from the awfulness of her upbringing, so Phaedra doesn’t seem to notice that Kenya seems to have a lingering aura of crazy floating around her. Run, Phaedra, run!
Because this is an hour long show, we have to watch NeNe run around New York with Cynthia. Cynthia makes her go on the subway. NeNe does not explode, and she just happens to end up in a train with fans, so the subway is alright with her. She eats a hotdog. Sorry, but I’m not so entranced with NeNe that I want to see her hobble around in Louboutins on public transportation. What’s next? We follow NeNe to Neiman Marcus? We watch NeNe eat while reading a magazine? NeNe on the toilet?
Kenya meets with Porsha, who wants the former Miss USA to come to her fundraising event. Porsha’s grandfather was Hosea Williams, and he was Martin Luther King Jr.’s right hand man. I’m glad that Porsha does charity work, because I really don’t think she’s smart enough to be trusted with an actual job. She’s the type of woman who would mess up your order at Burger King, even after you repeated it three or four times. She loves to do charity work, though! And hang out with her girlfriends who also don’t work! And shop! Once she married her former NFL quarterback husband, she didn’t do anything as silly a housework. She just waited in bed for him to bring her breakfast and tell her how pretty she is! Yes, Porsha is essentially a cashmere sweater of a person, but one with an itchy tag. Even if Kenya is all kinds of crazy, I have to give her credit for creating her own fortune and making her own way. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that these two aren’t destined to be fast friends.
Porsha talks about the charity, then starts asking personal questions. Are you married? No? I’m married! I want babies! Do you want babies? You’re, like, old and you don’t have babies? Kenya doesn’t reach across the table and smack Porsha, which is actually pretty impressive. That Miss USA training really pays off! Anyway, Kenya agrees to attend Porsha’s all-woman fundraising event. It is for the biggest charity in Atlanta, after all!
Well, the big fundraising event does not impress Kenya. At all. She was expecting tons of celebrities and important people! Not just her! Oh, her and Kordell Stewart, Porsha’s husband. Who shows up to give Porsha a purse and a check for her charity, and to dance awkwardly with her. Is this a wedding or a fundraiser? Kenya looks appalled, and I’m pretty sure anyone watching at home is wearing the same disgusted expression. Porsha doesn’t seem to understand that she shouldn’t call getting her friends together for an expensive Tupperware party a fundraiser.
Then, Porsha decides to introduce Kenya. As Miss America 1993. Kenya is Miss USA, ahem, and I’m not sure she appreciated the year getting tossed out there. Okay, Porsha is about as smart as her Chanel handbag, but I’m still not sure Kenya can get too offended about her confusing Miss USA and Miss America. It’s not like she said Kenya was a retired porn star or formerly appeared on “Hoarders.” Anyway, Kenya is offended. She leaves the party to wait for Miss Lawrence and fume.
After Miss Lawrence shows up, Porsha goes to look for Kenya. Porsha feels she’s being disrespectful. Kenya thinks it was disrespectful for her to screw up her title. Porsha asks Kenya to leave. Kenya was already leaving! Kenya thinks her charitable event is ridiculous. Porsha thinks she’s ridiculous! And her achievements are so old they probably aren’t on the Internet! So there! It isn’t a grand battle (despite creative editing), but it’s uncomfortable and bitter, and that’s all we can really ask for. Nice start, ladies. Nice start.
In other news, Kim is still pregnant and cranky and evicted. She wants Sweetie to pull out all the landscaping she paid for. I would like the particular storyline to get wrapped up, because this is the longest eviction process I’ve seen. I think we’re seeing it in real time, honestly. Poor Kim. She has to move her whole family back into her townhouse. It’s just 5,000 square feet! Yes, that’s exactly where I lose all sympathy for Kim. Maybe NeNe can take her for a tour of housing in Manhattan and see how that goes over.
Who do you think was in the right — Porsha or Kenya? Do you think Kim should pull out her landscaping? And should NeNe take back her ex-husband Gregg?