‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ recap: ‘Vanderpump Rules’

01.08.13 5 years ago 9 Comments

Tonight’s two-hour extravaganza can be seen one of two ways — one hour of “RHoBH” pasted onto an hour of the new show about Lisa’s restaurant Sur, “Vanderpump Rules,” or… well, there is no other way to see this, really. Whether or not you watched the whole thing has a lot to do with your tolerance for bitchy waitresses. Seriously, the only 

Ah, remember Faye Resnick tearing into Brandi like a delicious rump roast last week? Well, there’s still a little blood left in the body, so we return to the scene of the crime to lick up the last drops. As Brandi’s eyes well up, Faye Resnick viciously attacks her for viciously attacking Adrienne. When Brandi flees the party weeping, Faye doesn’t blink, possibly because she can’t from all the bad plastic surgery. “I don’t feel bad about what I said. But I might send her flowers,” Faye snipes as she nervously rearranges the silverware.

Lisa urges Kyle to run out to comfort Brandi, which looks a little like a chipmunk trying to soothe giraffe. Brandi slumps on the curb and cries, and Kyle must be thrilled about sitting on the ground in an expensive dress. Do grass stains come out of Dior? 

Ultimately, Lisa joins the fun on the curb. She thinks Brandi should go home, just to avoid Faye. Brandi is trying to do that! But someone has to bring her car first! She is sick of all this hand holding and petting!

Back inside Kyle’s house, Faye tells Kyle she feels terrible — but not really, because she defends her bullshit meter. She just can’t help herself! Maybe someone can stuff a Poise pad in her mouth to stop her toxic judgment from dribbling all over the place. I hate Faye. 

Alisha the medium visits Taylor, who still lives in a pretty massive house for someone whose husband left her high and dry. The medium gives Taylor a black rock, some prayer beads and a meditation elixir. Yay, gifts! Taylor could give a crap about meditation elixir, though. She wants to know if she’s going to reach a settlement in the $1.5 million litigation she’s fighting. Alisha twitches and spasms and spits out “Yes!” like a human eight ball. Then they walk around the house and ring a bell. Alisha also tells Taylor that she knows what happened to Princess Diana — because Princess Diana told her! I wonder how Taylor feels realizing she has a complete nut in her house. Again, I mean.

But Alisha is right (and this couldn’t possibly be because the producers of the show told her). A settlement is offered to Taylor — but it entails Taylor handing over her 10-carat diamond wedding ring and two Hermes bags. Well, at least they didn’t ask for gold fillings or used Restylane. I don’t think you can extract that anyway. Taylor sobs and wonders at how these people can be such jerks (it’s Beverly Hills, baby) and agrees to the deal. 

Kyle and Marisa take a yoga lesson together, because sometimes it’s fun to chat over a yogi and frustrate the hell out of him. Marisa, who has already endured one psychotic dinner with our ladies of Beverly Hills, thinks the women act like they’re in high school. Kyle corrects her — like elementary school! After all Kyle can say that because she’s never, ever one of the bitches, right? Mark the frustrated yoga instructor tries to get them to focus and stop spewing toxic garbage that’s going to get stuck in their chakras like chewed-up Trident. But Marisa and Kyle continue to worry about stupid crap.  Marisa liked Brandi because Brandi was nice to her at the dinner party. Camille and Taylor, not so much. I think Mark is going to kill both of them with his bare hands or cry. It’s a toss-up. 

Brandi and Lisa meet for shopping, which is really an excuse for Lisa to reveal that Scheana wants to meet with Brandi. Poor man-stealing Scheana wants to beg forgiveness AND kick off the “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” and “Vanderpump Rules” crossover! Brandi doesn’t want to talk to the woman who sort of destroyed her marriage, though Eddie cheated on her with such frequency it’s sort of a challenge to level the blame on anyone  (you know, other than Eddie). But she talks to Camille (who is now showing up every once in a while to be the sage, sane advisor to the other ladies — go figure) and decides to do it. This man-stealing waitress can’t hurt her! She’s a lot taller than Scheana anyway!

In other news, Yolanda is still on the show. I’m pretty sure Yolanda wants nothing more to do with the other housewives or the show in general, as I think she believed “RHoBH” was supposed to become a Food Network lifestyle show about her once she showed up. Anyway, she makes spaghetti for her family, and David Foster tells us how wonderful she is, and she tells her daughter Gigi she thought she was a lesbian when she was wearing Lakes shirts every day in third grade. I’m a little sad to see Yolanda limiting the crazy to her own household, honestly.

Adrienne and Paul, who are also still on the show, meet to discuss the skin care line they’re starting. This appears to be an excuse for them to glare hatefully at one another. Adrienne admits that their marriage is on the rocks because of what Brandi said about them (seriously?) and that she’s had to distance herself from the other girls because she can’t be around Brandi’s toxicity. Ah, the smell of divorce!

And speaking of divorce, we finally get treated to Brandi’s sit-down with Scheana. Scheana dabs at her eyes very carefully, because that much eyeliner doesn’t get reapplied in a minute. But Brandi doesn’t care. “I don’t feel bad for you,” she says coolly. I like this cold, controlled Brandi. She could totally be a really great spy assassin for about two minutes, until she started feeling sorry for the victim and running to get him a cold compress.

Of course, Scheana has to tell Brandi things she didn’t already know, like how Eddie took her out on a boat (Brandi’s boat) and how Brandi’s beloved friend Scotty knew all about the affair. Brandi can only keep up her spy assassin act for so long, then starts blubbering about her kids and how she doesn’t hold Scheana responsible and gives her a little pat on the back. 

And then, Scheana gets up and walks into the back of the restaurant, thus beginning our introduction to “Vanderpump Rules.” See how they did that? Totally seamlessly? It almost makes you want to watch “Vanderpump Rules”! Almost.

Anyway, I never, ever want to go to Sur because it seems like the staff is largely made-up of narcissistic bitches who probably spit in your food. They’re also apparently all busy screwing one another. As Peter, the manager points out, he used to date mean blonde girl Stassi who’s now with Jax who used to live with Tom Sandoval who’s dating Kristen who’s best friends with Stassi and Katie, and Peter also hooked up with Katie who’s now dating Tom Schwartz who used to live with Tom Sandoval.

If that doesn’t make your head hurt, nothing will. In the rest of the episode, Stassi’s mean to Scheana, Stassi fights with Jax, Tom Sandoval likes hair spray and I hate everybody. 

We also get a taste of everything coming in this new series, and there’s a lot of fighting. There’s even a fight in a hospital parking lot. Yes, this is WAY classy. 

Are you going to watch “Vanderpump Rules”? What do you think of Taylor’s settlement? What did you think of Brandi and Scheana’s powwow?

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