Brett Favre Channels His Inner LeBron
George Lucas Responds To Apocalypse Rumor

Who Is Going To Save Your Life Now?

By / 01.20.11

I’m not going to lie to you – it’s a dangerous world. There isn’t a thing out there these days that can’t stop you cold in your tracks. Just look at all those birds and fish that keep dying. Or all those old people… what are they dying from? Is the Mayan prophecy coming true? Is the world really going to end in 2012? Maybe you should just go ahead and jump on George Lucas’ spaceship now and avoid your demise. Or you could take a page from these heroes…

An Australian couple almost met their respective makers when they hit some rough waters and lost control of their watercraft – two inflatable sex dolls. While the dolls’ packaging specifically warned that the artificial lovemaking devices were not to be used as flotation devices, these Aussies said, “Be damned, you heathen warnings!” And they took off down the Yarra River anyway. Fortunately, once the couple lost control of their plastic sex holes, other campers and water enthusiasts called local authorities and they were both rescued. Think about that the next time you go spelunking with your fleshlight.

Revenge Is A Dish Best Served With A Beating

David Sanchez-Dominguez showed up to the house of his estranged wife’s family looking to speak with her, and things got ugly. The angry and wasted husband brandished a pistol and confronted his brother-in-law, who challenged David to shoot him in the chest when he insisted that his sister wasn’t home. Sadly, David shot him in the chest, killing him instantly. Fortunately, David was then beaten to a pulp by his mother-in-law and his wife’s other family members before he was hauled off to prison to spend his days dropping the soap.

Child’s Future May Be Up In Flames

Last May, firefighters in a Denver suburb were unable to stop an accidental blaze from destroying a $200,000 town home. The fire was caused by two 10-year old boys who were playing with matches, a precautionary tale as old as fire itself. Now 11, the two boys are being charged with felonies that could leave a blemish on the rest of their lives. People are outraged that the boys are being treated so harshly, and their February trial could lead to great controversy in the local courts. But enough about them, how about that Carmelo Anthony guy?

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  • Aussie couple nearly washed up after sex doll romp. (Fox News)
  • Man shoots his wife’s brother, gets his butt beat down. (RGJ.com)
  • Two boys face a life-altering decision because of arson accident. (Denver Post)

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  • A 14-year old British schoolboy has been shockingly expelled from the Petersfield School in England because teachers and administrators believed that there was something just a tad bit strange about the boy. Oh, it’s that he was actually 24 and twice the size of any student in the school. (The Sun)
  • A 24-year old man in New Milford, Connecticut was arrested after he stole $2,200 from a local bank at gunpoint. How was this dastardly thief finally apprehended by police? Well, it didn’t help that he took the bus home and got off at the stop right across from his house. (County Time)

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KNOW YOUR STATS

  • In 2003, an estimated 16,163 people were arrested for arson in the United States, with more than 84% of them being males. 50.8% were under the age of 18 and 30.2% of them were under the age of 15. You know who I blame? People who start fires, obviously. (Fire Extinguisher 101)
  • In 2009, the largest decrease in murders occurred in cities with populations between 500,000 and 999,999. That decrease was roughly 7.5% from 2008. However, cities with populations between 25,000 and 49,999 saw their murder rates increase 5.3%. The only city with 0 murders? Awesometown – Population: Me. (The FBI)


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