Worst: John Morrison
hey, all right, john morrison’s coming back
This video is called “See why John Morrison is called the The Guru of Greatness”. It’s a bunch of clips of him jumping and kicking and sometimes landing. Nowhere in the video does it say “he’s called this because when you’re a bad guy you say facetious stuff you don’t mean, and when you become a good guy you have to pretend you meant everything”. He’s called that because he made up a bunch of nicknames for himself on The Dirt Sheet. You ever seen those promos and videos where the Rock is all “I EARNED THE NICKNAME THE GREAT ONE AND WILL BE FOREVER KNOWN AS THE PEOPLE’S CHAMPION”? Yeah, when he came up with those nicknames they were to piss people off, because he was bad and people hated him.
Also nowhere in the video does it explain how Morrison typed “authority” into Thesaurus.com and just did alliteration with every result. Here, I’ll do it, ten new nicknames for John Morrison.
1. The King of Kicking
2. The Judge of Jumping
3. The Wizard of Whiffing Finishers
4. The Connoisseur of Convoluted
5. The Oracle of Open Relationships
6. The Governor of Coverin’ Her (works when he’s wrestling against women)
7. The Witch Doctor of Making Me Watch Someone Wrestle Sheamus
Okay, seven new nicknames. But that literally took me twenty seconds.
Worst: Jack Swagger Needs To Be More Accepting Of Loss
The only thing I can seem to remember Jack Swagger doing (besides putting Jerry Lawler into an ankle lock on 67 consecutive shows) is that Madball face where he grabs his hair with both hands and breathes heavily. I could understand this if he’d just shown up or was on some sort of power winning streak, but damn Jack, you’ve been here since 2008 and I’ve seen you lose to Evan Bourne about forty times this year, why are you super shocked when R-Truth pins you?
Much like people need to abandon the “C’MON REF THAT WAS THREE” when someone kicks out, wrestlers need to get newer or more varied emotional responses to losing. “Passed out” or “surprised” seem to be the only two they can muster.
Best: Ricardo Rodriguez
If you’re a longtime reader of this column, you know how much I like CHIKARA alumnus Ricardo Rodriguez, and if you don’t know why I feel this way, allow me to transcribe his appearance announcement from last night.
Alberto Del Rio: “here is a thing”
Ricardo: “ALBERTO DEL RIO, ALBERTO DEL RIO, ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRIO, VAMANOS ALBERTO DEL RIO, TODOS ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIOOOOOOOO DONDE ESTA ALBERTO DEL RIO ALBERTO DEL RIO ES UN ABOGADO DE LOS ANGELES, QUE HORA ES ALBERTO DEL RRRRRRIOOOOOO”
And it kept going on and on until I was smiling and clapping my hands. Welcome back, you wonderful guy, you.
Best: Wrestling Like You Might In A Tournament
I’ve read a lot of criticism of last night’s wrestling (which I understand, because I, too, was wondering what was happening backstage with Kelly Kelly), but I enjoyed a lot of it, particularly the Kofi Kingston and Alberto Del Rio match. It made the most sense — Del Rio was wrestling to win a tournament, going hard and fast quickly to try and put away his opponent because hey, in his mind he’s got two more matches after this. Kingston responded with Controlled Frenzy™, and we got a nifty few minutes that included ADR sticking the Chris Hamrick bump and getting hit with one of the most effective looking dives we’ve seen on Raw since Benoit was hurling himself into tables.
Okay, since Daniel Bryan was injuring his shoulder by accident every week. Lots of murderer references in the report this week!