Worst: Roddy Piper Is My Jive Talking Middle School Teacher
1) Roddy Piper once wrestled in half blackface…but it was half of his entire body. And he did disco dances with his Black side.
2) Roddy Piper refused to job to Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania I. The biggest heel in the world refused to job to the biggest babyface of all time at the biggest event in wrestling history up to that point. Nobody talks about this enough. It was a selfish decision that wasn’t good business. That’s why the one-time biggest event of all time featured a freaking tag match as its main event. Awesome.
In conclusion, I don’t bow down and grovel at the feet of one Hot Rod. Especially WCW-era Hot Rod. For this particular segment, Piper and Hogan have a contract signing for the Match Of The Century or whatever it is. Spoiler: it won’t live up to the billing.
And of course, Piper is basically jive talking old lady middle school teacher who’s edgy because he says “crap” and drops a TRL reference so all the kids think he’s cool for the first day of school until you realize he’s just as crappy as every other teacher who’s shilling out the same homework passed down from the powers that be. Ooooh you taught Vincent how to fight! Ooooh you see DiBiase behind you! What a badass. Excuse me if my kilt doesn’t hid my dismissive wanking.
Worst: The Dumbest Injury Angle Of All Time
Of course the big revelation here is that Piper had TOP SECRET hip replacement surgery that left a big ass scar. Hogan tells Piper to lift his skirt to reveal his scar and Piper shows his healthy leg first which is hilarious to me for some reason. Then we get the big scar reveal and things get even dumber.
Hogan and the NWO target the scar by hitting it with forearms and title belts and good God this is stupid. I don’t know how hip replacement surgeries work but I’m not sure what the actual damage of a title belt to the thigh does to exacerbate the situation.
Also, is it really that awesome to promote a match between two guys where one guy just had the most geriatric surgery a human being can have? Can’t wait for this catch-as-catch can battle of wills.
Best: Harlem Heat vs. The Amazing French Canadians Because *Shrugs*
Two pay-per-views. Two unexpectedly stellar tag team matches. I sort of watched the French Canadians and Harlem Heat with my eyes glazed over wondering what I’d write about it. Then things got out of hand really quickly with TFC selling like eyepatched auctioneers. Then they set up a table and two steel steps (THEY WEIGHT 43 TONS, MAGGLE) for a crazy ass spot that ends the match. Harlem Heat were absolutely clicking in 1996 and it’s a shame we didn’t get a sustained Heat/Steiners feud in the midst of all the NWO stuff.
Best: How Can You Not Like Dusty On Commentary?
When the match ends we get five minutes of Sherri and Colonel Parker due to the Harlem Heat winning and Dusty Rhodes loses his entire sh*t the whole time.
SHE HIT HIM IN THE BELLYWELLY. SHE CLAWOSHLAINED HEEM.
Throw shade if you so well please but Dusty earned his keep for these five minutes.
Worst: Lex Luger Talking Again