If you haven’t been using the commercial breaks in FXX’s The Simpsons marathon for going to the bathroom and/or sleeping, you’ve probably noticed that The League is back next week. The debut of Season 6 of our favorite comedy that uses fantasy football to bring a beloved batch of dysfunctional human beings together on our TVs airs on Wednesday, Sept. 3 at 10 PM ET, and it’s safe to expect even more insane, depraved, disgusting, and downright filthy hijinks from Jenny, Kevin, Pete, Ruxin, Taco, Andre, and hopefully Rafi, more than we’ve ever seen him before. As always, they’ll have plenty of NFL players and other personalities along for the ride as well, with J.J. Watt making his return to the show in the new promos for “Sitting Shiva.”
Interestingly enough, according to my crack team of researchers and fact checkers, The League is somehow not yet the most-watched and highest-rated sitcom on TV, despite the fact that it’s just awesome. For example, when I spoke with Yahoo’s fantasy football guru Brad Evans last week, he informed me that he doesn’t watch it, and he’s a man blessed by the gods with a career that allows him to play fantasy football for a living. He did, however, admit that his friends tell him he looks a lot like Andre (Paul Scheer), but there’s still a concern with the fact that people who should be watching simply aren’t, and I think I know what the problem is – authenticity.
It’s wonderful that a show based on a premise as tricky as fantasy football has lasted six seasons, but the fact that these guys are still playing in an 8-team league is troublesome. When you take into account the fact that Taco is terrible at drafting and traded away the No. 1 overall pick for the rights to name his nephew, this is really a 7-team league, but as the doctor pointed out in “Training Camp” last season, an 8-team league is bullsh*t. Even Evans agreed, despite not watching the show, as he’s a 14-team league guy, while I’m a classical 12-team loyalist. Bottom line – the writers of The League really need to address this issue at some point, because it’s getting impossible to believe that anyone aside from Taco has a bad team, since it would mean that at least one owner would have a steamroller. But enough with fantasy football nitpickery.
As more and more people discover how awesome and ridiculous of a show The League is, it’s important for them to start catching up while they hit the ground running. So as they’re watching Seasons 1-4 on Netflix (would it kill them to get Season 5 online already?), here’s a handy glossary of terms that any League fan should keep handy, be it for everyday use or naming their own fantasy football teams. Feel free to add to the terms in the comments.
Anchor Baby – When a man’s disproportionately attractive wife starts doing things a little differently – like her pubic landscaping, for example – and indicates that she might be developing an exit strategy, the best way for that man to keep her around is by getting her pregnant so she’ll be “out of commission” and reconsider the economics of leaving him.
Breast Favoritism – When a man only focuses on one of a woman’s breasts and then moves on without addressing the ignored breast. The act can result in the woman role playing that she is a nun.
The Bobbum Man – He’s an imaginary villain dreamed up by Kevin, who is terrified that the Bobbum Man will pull up in his van and try to have sex with Kevin’s bobbum.
Bump Stuff – Some girls get turned on when they watch two dudes kiss and bump stuff, so it’s something that Rafi likes to do to get the mood just right.
Child, Please – The saying was made famous by former NFL and current CFL receiver Chad “Ochocinco” Johnson; however, it was completely ruined by Andre, because he is a colossal douche-tool who has never done or said anything cool. He’s also such a loser that he once suffered masturbation impotence.
El Cunado – It only means brother-in-law in Spanish, so it’s not an insult by any means. But when said the right way, it just sounds disgusting and filthy, so it’s perfect for a guy like Rafi who is both of those things and more, in the best way possible.
Dick Punch – It’s a show of affection between Eskimo Brothers, as one bro taps his other bro on the dick and yells, “Dick punch!” It’s even more special if you say something equally nice afterward, like…
Eskimo Brothers – It’s how you get things done. Other people pay for things with money that they earn from working or selling goods and services, while Taco takes advantage of his relationships with guys who have slept with the same girls. They’re his Eskimo Bros.
Eskimo Sisters – It’s the same thing as an Eskimo Brother, but it’s when a girl has slept with the same girl as a guy. For example, Crazy Tiffany is Taco’s Eskimo Sister because she’s bisexual.
Fear Boner – This occurs when a man becomes so scared that he ends up getting an erection. He’s like the Hulk and he just explodes, no matter how much he tries to explain otherwise.
Friend-Off – It’s when a douchebag arrives and your friends leave you stranded with him, or, more simply, a friend hand-off.
Ghost Monkey – It’s like that movie I Know What You Did Last Summer, except instead of a guy with a hook, it’s a young monkey with a shared hatred for Andre’s taste in music.
Juggerpoo – Sometimes it’s good for a person to get pooped on by a bird every now and then, because if you manage to go your entire life without being pooped on by a bird, you’re bound to become a victim of the massive and horrendous Juggerpoo.
Lineup Cheating – It’s a serious act that can destroy a marriage, as one spouse can go behind the other’s back and ask someone else for advice with his or her fantasy lineup. There are no greater betrayals in marriage.
Mental Erection – It’s when a guy gets that perfect source of, um, inspiration.
Naginta – While jerks might argue that it’s actually a naginata, the naginta is a very big, black weapon that, when handled properly, won’t cut a man’s leg and/or penis.
Not-High – If a person who is typically always high suddenly stops smoking weed or using any other kinds of drugs, he will typically get his wits back and become much smarter, as he is not-high.
Porno Craft Services – It’s always the best, man.
Prius Sex – It’s nice and it helps save the environment.
Pubercuts – This is Taco’s best business idea, as he uses his van to cut the pubic hair of anyone that actually believes this is a service.
Pubic Smoke – Where’s there’s a spark in some pubes, there’s usually pubic smoke.
Rafi Bomb – Honestly, I don’t know what this means, but it probably involves a jukebox playing $7 worth of Hoobastank and murder boners, which I’m too scared to actually include on this list.
Suicide Scrote – If the Scrote Squad is coming for you, then you’d better act fast. Sometimes that requires a suicide scrote, which is the act of punching oneself in the balls.
Sexiversary – On the grand list of made-up holidays, this one is very special, because it involves sex and a woman wearing only a dress shirt and underwear, and that’s one of those things that just works, damn it.
The Shiva Blast – Key to this idea is pronunciation, as evidenced by Larry King’s misunderstanding of the concept, but it involves screaming “Shivakamini Somakandarkram” in any number of situations at the top of your lungs.
Special Sex – It’s sex that is so good that there are unicorns with tear drops of Elton John songs.
Trade Maid – People don’t always realize how difficult it can be to manage regular, boring life with the excitement of fantasy football, so if a guy in your league solicits a trade from you and you’re too busy to handle it, make that idiot serve as your trade maid, performing all of your random tasks, so you can think long and hard about whether or not you want Randy Moss.
Vaginal Hubris – Jenny knows that Kevin will never leave her because she has confidence in her pussy, but Ruxin thinks she’s simply overly proud. As Taco sings, “Her vagina is the church and her slit is the steeple, her vulva is one of Barbara Walters’s most fascinating people.”
Vinegar Strokes – It can either mean the point of no return for a man having sex, when he’s so far gone that stopping will cause more pain than finishing will cause pleasure, or it’s when Jenny’s flicking her bean like Mean Joe Greene, according to Ruxin.
Yobogoya – it’s the cheapest bucket of beef in all of Illinois-a, even though we’re not legally allowed to call it meat. Oh, and it’s also when you take someone’s AIDS cocktail and subsequently have to crap in the ocean because of it.