This is Cadillac’s 2014 Christmas commercial, in which they suggest that you, a presumably very wealthy person, buy yourself or a loved one a brand new Cadillac this holiday season. You have probably seen it on television between 1 and 50000000000000 times since the beginning of November, perhaps to the point you now have its festive Rockabilly cover of The Clash’s “Brand New Cadillac” — another issue entirely — permanently stuck in your head. All in all, there’s not much to it: One lady loads a trunk up with presents, another lady in a ball gown goes to what I’m assuming is a holiday concert at the symphony, a security guard patrols a dealership, and someone buys a tree and straps it to the roof. Fine. Great. Merry Christmas.
But then, at the very end, something very confusing happens. I can’t stop thinking about it. Here, look, I made you a GIF:
Are … are those people going to an orgy? Because it kind of looks like they’re going to an orgy. Maybe I’ve seen Eyes Wide Shut too many times (once), but that’s all I can think when I see that. I mean, look at the evidence:
- No one wears that kind of mask — the ornate one that just covers the eyes and nose — unless they’re going to an orgy. Oh, sure, they might try to lie to you and say they’re going to a masquerade ball, but don’t buy that for a second. No one has been to a masquerade ball in 150 years. They are wearing an orgy mask. They are going to an orgy.
- The mask the driver is wearing even looks like the one The King of the Orgy wore in an episode of Comedy Central’s Review.
- A bunch of well-dressed, mask-wearing rich people are all showing up at a mansion at the exact same time and walking in together. If you were a cop who was staking out this mansion from afar (because its owner is mysterious underworld figure Victor St. Aspen, and you received a tip that he is meeting with European crime lord Franz Discothèque), this is where you would hand the binoculars to your partner and say “Dude, I think they’re having an orgy.” And you would be right.
- And then, as if the above evidence weren’t damning enough, at the very end the driver gets out and grabs the hand of the woman who is sitting in the back, not the woman in the passenger seat. Clearly swingers.
Case closed. So if any of you are looking for a car to bring you and your swinger friends to a creepy Christmas orgy this holiday season, it appears Cadillac is the automobile for you.
