BREAKING: Bill O'Reilly Takes Dumps Like A True Man Of The People

04.11.12 2 Comments

If you’ve followed Bill O’Reilly’s career at all, you know that — perhaps more than anything — he’s always billed himself as a man of the people, a guy looking out for “the folks” out there, people who are powerless against the nameless, faceless forces of The Man that are constantly conspiring to get them. It’s almost impossible to watch his show on any given day, in fact, and not hear him referencing his humble roots in the Long Island suburbs where he continues to live today. And if you did a shot each time O’Reilly said “the folks” you’d be one drunk SOB on the regular.

Now, because he’s an occasional lightning rod for controversy, there are many who believe that this is all bullsh*t, that it’s a facade he’s created to endear him to Fox News’ doltish viewers out there in “Real America.” These detractors would probably argue that O’Reilly is secretly an anti-man-of-the-people, someone who takes dumps on a sh*tter made of gold in a luxurious private bathroom.

Well, I hate to break this to you, Bill O’Reilly detractors, but you’re dead wrong.

You see, yesterday Gawker introduced their newest hire, the “Fox News Mole” — a living, breathing Fox News employee who has come forward to anonymously dish dirt from inside Rupert Murdoch’s darling death star on Sixth Avenue in Manhattan. The Mole’s inaugural column was a thrilling, hilarious bundle of joy that featured leaked video of Mitt Romney and Sean Hannity discussing horses off-camera. And today’s column dished on how basically everything at Fox News is old and broken, including the employee restrooms.

When Fox was a young network on a shoestring budget, spartan bathrooms were perfectly understandable—almost a badge of honor, really. (“You think Murrow had a nice place to piss when he was on a goddamn London rooftop during the blitz?” I imagine a crusty old newsman lecturing me.) But that was a long time ago. We’ve been number one for 12 years. We’re a fucking cash cow at this point, basically propping up Rupert’s entire money-losing journalism empire. Yet on most floors of the office, we’re still dealing with what you see in this photograph.

In case it’s hard to make out, this is a bathroom stall with a gap between the edge of the stall and the wall that’s so big that it has toilet paper draped over it for a modicum of privacy. And this isn’t some temporary fix—it has been like this for YEARS.

This is what the bathrooms are like on most of the floors, including the talent floor. If you were to wander up there, the only thing separating you from watching Bill O’Reilly take a dump is a slight breeze displacing a couple strands of cheap single-ply. Yes—O’Reilly shits with the commoners. That man makes entirely too much money to have to put up with that. Bill, call your agent!

Come on, Rupert — how can you have man of Bill O’Reilly’s stature taking dumps in these conditions?! No wonder Glenn Beck left!

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