Pizza Hut Would Like To Bankrupt You AND Destroy Your Relationship This Valentine’s Day

02.09.12 6 years ago 5 Comments

When I was a teenager, I was either 15 or 16, at the time, me and a buddy took two young ladies we were fond of to Pizza Hut. This was kind of a big deal, mind you — Pizza Hut was sort of fancy, where I came from, and this particular Pizza Hut had a buffet that, in addition to serving pizza, served pasta and salad. FANCY! Normally, had me and my buddy been eating alone or with other guy friends, we would have gone to Mr. Gatti’s, which was cheaper and less FANCY than our local Pizza Hut, which may or may not still be open based on it’s horrendously sad Yelp review.

Anyway, the four of us sat in a booth, me and my girl on one side, my buddy and his girl on the other. As I recall it was a Friday night and prior to going to Pizza Hut we’d all been drinking the horrible stuff teenagers drink — Boone’s Farm wine, peppermint schnapps, etc. At some point, my buddy and his girl got up from the table, for what I don’t recall, but it left me and my girl alone in the booth, so we began doing what drunk and horny teenagers do — making out and touching each other. I remember it well still to this day, as it was one of my earliest sexual experiences, and the feeling of a girl’s hand slipping into my shorts to stroke my throbbing boner at that time was something of a revelation.

Needless to say, in little time a gooey mess was made in my Fruit-Of-The-Loom briefs just before my buddy and his girl returned from wherever they’d gone off to, and I desperately wanted to get up to go the bathroom to clean up said mess. But since it took a good five minutes or so for my erection to subside to the point where I felt comfortable enough to get up from the booth and walk to the bathroom, I sat there for a few minutes with a massive load of jizz swirling in my pants while I ate pizza and tried to act like everything was normal.

I tell you this story for one reason and one reason only: I am absolutely convinced that the handjob encounter in Pizza Hut I just described was filled with more romance than Pizza Hut’s Valentine’s Day proposal package could possibly contain.

I swear, this is an actual press release Pizza Hut sent out this afternoon and not something I pulled from The Onion…

Available for Order Now: $10,010 Ultimate Valentine’s Day Proposal in a Box

Unbelievable Package Marks Introduction of Equally Fantastic $10 Value Box Offering from Pizza Hut

Dallas – “Would you like a proposal with your order?” Starting today, consumers visiting can answer “yes” to that question and purchase the $10 Dinner Box Proposal Package, an epic collection of proposal goodies inspired by the new $10 Dinner Box on the Pizza Hut menu. Pizza Hut is offering only 10 of the exclusive packages just in time for Valentine’s Day at a cost of $10,010 each. The $10 Dinner Box Proposal Package includes a ruby engagement ring, limo service, flowers, fireworks show, photographer, videographer and of course, most importantly, the mouth-watering new $10 Dinner Box.

Fitting all of these amazing items into one package echoes the feat pulled off inside the new Pizza Hut $10 Dinner Box, which includes a medium one-topping rectangular pan pizza, five breadsticks with marinara sauce and 10 cinnamon sticks with a sweet icing cup in one box for only $10.

“If we’re able to fit pizza, breadsticks and dessert into one box for only $10, why stop there?” asked Kurt Kane, Pizza Hut CMO. “Our customers want the best of everything, from their food to memorable life experiences. So we decided to make one of those experiences – the marriage proposal – second-to-none and offer it at right alongside the new $10 Dinner Box.”

With only 10 packages being offered at, those looking to pop the question in a unique way need to act fast. c. Here’s a closer look inside the $10 Dinner Box Proposal Package.

Ruby Engagement Ring: a stunning ruby stone flanked by shimmering diamonds
Limo Service: pick up your sweetheart in style before popping the question
Flowers: no proposal is complete without a spectacular bouquet of her favorite flowers
Fireworks: a perfectly-timed fireworks display will vault this proposal into the record books
Photographer: photos taken of the happy couple before, during and after the moment
Videographer: capturing video of the moment she says “yes”
$10 Dinner Box: hands-down the most vital, and appetizing, piece of the package

Thanks Pizza Hut — thanks for making Valentine’s Day much, much worse than the contrived, painful “holiday” it already is. And thanks for doing everything you can to make videoed spectacle marriage proposals all the rage. You know how much I love those! All for a cool 10-grand. WHAT A BARGAIN!

(HT: Eater, screengrab via Pizza Hut’s website)

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