The Greatest Police Blotter Report Ever

09.09.12 5 years ago

It appears that Old Man McGumbus is up to his old tricks. The above blurb appeared in the September 1st police blotter section of Dan’s Hamptons, a weekly newspaper that covers the hoity-toity paper-colored paradise in Long Island known as the Hamptons, and it details the time that an 106-year-old man used his belt to calm down, then sleep with, a Bengal tiger. The full write-up reads:

Old Man McGumbus, 106 years old and former World War II hand-to-hand combat instructor, was in the middle of his morning Tai-Chi routine on the beach when he noticed a live Bengal tiger there. The Old Man approached the tiger and attempted to tame it by speaking softly and quietly. “Easy girl, easy,” he repeated while holding up a stick. The tiger had escaped from a home on Shelter Island and is owned as a house pet. The Old Man then used his belt to harness the tiger. By the end of the entire incident, the Old Man and his tiger were seen sleeping next to each other on the side of the road. (Via)

There’s something you need to know about McGumbus, though. He’s not exactly real.

I’ll let Redditor littlemissdimes explain:

While this is the police report, that’s Dan’s paper which is more of a magazine, it’s not really a newspaper and in every issue, they always add some (fictional) story about ‘Old Man MacGumbus’ He has often been accused of chasing ‘hippies’ with a shotgun down the main thoroughfare. (Via)

Details even wrote a story about the newspaper in 2010. As for the Old Man McGumbus character, he’s been around causing trouble for quite some time. His comic misadventures include:

Police responded to an argument that broke out at the annual Shelter Island Bacon Festival that took place last week. Old Man McGumbus, 108 years old and former World War II bomb engineer, got into a shouting match with Sue Mcbisquik, the general manager of the Island Health, Vitamins and Smoothie Shop. Mcbisquik confronted McGumbus after filing a complaint with the town for not getting the proper permits for the bacon festival and demanded that he be arrested. Things got ugly when McGumbus threatened to sue Mcbisquik for defamation and threw a bacon sandwich at her head. “THAT’S ASSAULT! THAT’S ASSAULT!” Mcbisquik screamed and called police. No arrests were made. (Via)

The three-week-long Bikini Festival that takes place on Shelter Island every winter during the end of January and the beginning of February, got completely out of hand on Saturday. Old Man McGumbus, 107 years old and former World War II B-18 bomber pilot, is the President of the festival and was charged with operating a brothel inside of the Shelter Island Fishermen’s Hall, which served as the headquarters of the Bikini Festival. McGumbus was arrested after he was caught providing “massage” services for Shelter Island visitors and residents. Seventy-nine women from Brazil, the Philippines, Thailand, Egypt, Germany, Romania, Russia and Poland were also arrested. (Via)

If every local newspaper was this interesting, maybe they wouldn’t be shutting down left and right. Accurate journalism’s overrated, anyways.

(Via Reddit)

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