What To Do With $640 Million MegaMillions Jackpot You're Going To Win Tonight

03.30.12 85 Comments

First off, whatever you do, don’t gift anyone with free Krispy Kreme donuts and Papa John’s pizza for a year, as was given away during the “Showcase Showdown” portion of the Price is Right today. Unless, of course, you hate them and want them to die. If that’s the case then by all means go ahead.

So have you thought about what you’re going to do with all that money? Of course you have. We all have.

Now, with that said, toss all of those ideas out the window. Here’s what you should do…

1. Put the winning ticket somewhere no one will find it. Maybe Tim Tebow will let you tape it to his taint or something. You never know until you ask!

2. Hire a good lawyer. Not a Bob Loblaw or Saul Goodman type, I’m talking someone really good. In fact, rather than paying them to take you on as a client, consider hiring he or she to be your attorney and your attorney only. Someone who works for you ALL THE TIME. At least for a couple of years. Think of it as having your own personal consigliere. You own Tom Hagen. Wouldn’t that be the tits? Hell, maybe you can even hire Robert Duvall to hang around from time to time and pretend like he’s Tom Hagen and working for you. Have him send a horse’s head to your worst horse-loving enemy! Why the f*ck not?!

3. Keep 50 million for yourself and give the rest away. Seriously. If you accept a cash payout, after taxes, depending on where you live, you’ll have somewhere between $300-350 million. Is there anything, besides maybe a significant ownership stake in your favorite sports team, that any person needs more than $50 million for? No, there is not. You can put that money in a goddamn savings account and live a very nice life off the interest alone. Besides, you didn’t actually do anything to earn that money — you stood in line and bought a goddamn lottery ticket like millions of other schmucks. You don’t deserve hundreds of millions of dollars for that. No one does. Period.

Start by giving every friend or family member (perhaps even a co-worker or two) you have regular contact with a significant amount of money — say $50-$75k. That’s a year’s salary for most people. Let it be known that it’s a one-time gift. After this, unless someone is need of a life-saving medical treatment not covered by insurance, make it clear that the Bank of You is closed. From there, use the rest, which will still be an obscene amount of money, to make the world a better place. Hear about a poor family without homeowner’s insurance who lost their home in a fire. Send them a check to help them get another one. Hear about a child who died suddenly and his single mom can’t afford to pay for a funeral? Pay for their funeral. You get the idea.

This should be your job now. Make “small” donations here and there that will have a dramatic and positive effect on people’s lives. You’ll basically be Batman to the people you help. Trust me, there are much worse ways to make a living.

Oh, and one last thing — If I win, I will give $10,000 to everyone who comments on this post. My numbers are as follows: 4,8,19, 20, 22 and the megaball (or whatever they call it) number is 33.

Good luck to us all!

(Pic via Xmas Ape)

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