It’s a Christmas miracle (that we’re still sober).
So it’s that time of year again. That time when you and everyone you’re obliged to spend time with are drunk again because it’s the only thing you have in common. Well, that got dark fast. Hey, you know what else makes things depressing? Delicious booze. Here are some appropriate gifts for your drunken relatives. Why pretend they’d like a sweater when you know they’d rather be warmed by hootch?
For the power drunk in your life, the Bosch IXO Vino cordless drill corkscrew will get those wine bottles uncorked with a quickness. And, as the photo above demonstrates, even polygamists who collect peppers can figure out how to use it. $47 at Amazon.co.uk.
The Tailgater Dual Tank Backpack Drink Dispenser ($40) pours out more than a gallon and a half of booze for the lush on the go. Also doubles as a party game when they try to keep their balance with several pounds of liquid perched on their back. Want to make it lighter so they can balance easier? Drink more booze. Oh sweet irony.
The “Legalize It” pimp cup ($20) is perfect* for the drunken relatives who don’t limit their chill to the legal depressants. There are also matching “Bride and Groom Pimp Cups” for $30, which just screams class and elegance.
*Perfection of gift not guaranteed. Product may trigger incredibly awkward conversation with grandma. Product may trigger even more awkward conversations with grandmas who confess to smoking the jazz cigarettes and sleeping with a saxophonist before she met grandpa.
This Homer Simpson clock is $33 at Amazon.
The Age Your Own Whiskey Kit ($150) includes two 750 ml bottles of 110 proof un-aged whiskey and a 2-liter wooden aging barrel to age the whiskey yourself. Because the barrel is small, it only takes three to six months to age the whiskey well. The barrel can be reused at least five times.
The ad copy for this $40 clock asks, “Do all of your days seem the same? Do you have little trouble keeping track of the hour and even the date but the day always eludes you?” That sounds like our drunken relatives for sure. Unfortunately, this clock won’t help with those hangovers where you wake up like this:
LiteLocker hides Christmas lights when they’re out of season, so your drunk relatives don’t have to climb on that ladder any more than is drunkenly necessary. $70 per 24 feet at LiteLocker.
Whisky in a can is not currently for sale in the U.S., but we can dream of the day we can stab a can with a pen on Christmas morning and shotgun eight shots of Scottish malt and grain blended whisky aged 3 years in oak casks.
Icetris is a $9 Tetris ice cube tray, because if you’re going to ruin a drink by adding water, it may as well be cool-looking water.
A six-pack of Rubik’s drink coaster are easier to solve than the Rubik’s cube, in that you solve them with booze instead of spatial intelligence. Oh man, is there anything alcohol doesn’t solve? £12.99 in the UK and $20 in the US.
Or you could skip the glass and coaster and Tetris ice altogether and just make shot glasses out of ice with this $7 Cool Shooters mold.
It’s a major award! A Christmas Story leg lamp, 20 inches tall, $40.
This Spike your Juice kit helps you convert 64 oz bottles of fruit juice into booze with up to 14% alcohol by volume in as little as two days. It costs $13.50 (including shipping) for enough powder for 3 gallons of alcoholic juice, $17 for 4.5 gallons, or $20.50 for 6 gallons. Don’t tell your ex-con uncle this, but this beats his toilet pruno by far. No, really, don’t tell him. I don’t want to get shanked.
This works, too.