“HEY,” the C(r)E(ep)O of the company that created Liquid Lapdance Pants said in the not-so-distance past, “I HAVE AN IDEA. YOU KNOW HOW WE TALKED ABOUT *snorts a line of cocaine laced with Axe Body Spray* MAKING STRIP CLUBS EVEN MORE AWFUL? LIQUID LAPDANCE PANTS, GUYS. LIQUID LAPDANCE PANTS.”
“What do they do?” asked an underling, probably named something like Braden.
“WHAT DON’T THEY *drinks a cocktail of vodka and Natty Ice* DO?”
“YOU ARE SO FIRED, BRO. FOR EVERYONE ELSE, LET ME EXPLAIN.” *puts on Warrant’s Greatest Hit*
1. They moisturize and lubricate your penis. A moisturized penis is more sensitive than a dry penis. As the dancer glides her body over yours, you will feel her much more intensely. One reviewer described it as the difference between standard and high definition.
2. They provide you with the space to get fully-erect. Most underwear is not designed to be worn when you’re rock hard. Ours is. Expand in comfort.
3. They take the pain out of lap dances. Dry lap dances can be quite painful. Many guys avoid lap dances for this reason. Liquid Lapdance takes the pain out of lap dances. We’ve tested them with big butts, bony butts and even granny butts! No pain, our testers still made it rain! LL is designed for the grind!
4. They contain your semen. When a guy has an orgasm during a lap dance, it can be quite awkward if he’s not wearing Liquid Lapdance. A wet stain typically forms on the guy’s crotch, and semen may get on the dancer, where it is often unwelcome. With Liquid Lapdance, you can relax and fully-enjoy the orgasm without worrying about minimizing or containing ejaculation as you might in regular underwear.
But don’t take it from them. Here’s how one reviewer described the experience: “Kinda like f*cking a really loose p*ssy.” The future is now, and it’s awful.