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15 Horrifying Life Lessons We Learned From David Lynch

By / 01.20.14

What do you think a birthday party for David Lynch looks like? I imagine the walls are painted to look like scabs, and instead of a cake, there’s a massive pile of coffee grounds with worms crawling through it. Also, can’t forget the rockin’ music, which sounds like nine cats thrown into a mincer. Ain’t no party like a David Lynch party ’cause a David Lynch party don’t stop. Literally, it never stops — you’re stuck there with the coffee worms forever.

That being said, HAPPY BIRTHDAY DAVID LYNCH. The great director turns 68 years old today, which is roughly how long it’s been since his last film. Hopefully, Lynch has a few more decades in him (he’ll probably out live us all), because without his guidance, there are so many awful things we wouldn’t know about. Such as:

1. The line between helpful detective and hurtful pervert is constantly blurred.

detective pervert

2. This is horrifying for Heineken International.

heinekenheineken2
heineken3heineken4

3. That’ll teach you to have Thanksgiving with David Lynch.

eraserhead turkey

4. Also, never have a baby.

eraserhead baby

5. The freaks are the normals; the normals, like you, are the freaks.

elephant man

6. It’s ALL an allusion. EVERYTHING.

illusion

7. Life is a (lost) highway, and all men with camcorders will be terrifying all night long.

Lost Highway

8. In the far future, everyone has awful hair.

dune

9. Sitting through Inland Empire is a hellish life lesson.

Inland Empire

10. Every small town is totally f*cked.

twin peaks fire

11. Some day, you’ll be nothing more than a corpse on a video tape.

twinpeaks25

12. Everybody hurts (also works for an R.E.M. life lesson post).

twinpeaks26

13. You will never know anyone as gorgeous as this.

twinpeaks12

14. Secrets are lies, no one means anything.

secrets lie

15. Life is one big stoplight, and it’s always red, man.

twinpeaks5

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