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The Time Has Come For Us To Tackle The Menace Of Justin Bieber Or Face The Consequences

By / 01.30.14

We’ve all had plenty of fun with Justin Bieber in these past few weeks. Can you blame us? He announces he’s retiring, assaults his neighbors with vicious eggs, gets into a war with Selena Gomez, finds himself in jail in Florida, on the run from the law in Canada and all the while he’s tripping balls on sizzurp. It’s almost like he’s been possessed by the spirit of Charlie Sheen (which by the way, will someone please check on Charlie Sheen).

Hard to believe that the little tyke we first met singing Chris Brown tunes on YouTube would’ve grown to be a criminal element, spawning headline grabbing news at every moment. I mean look at the kid:

Screen Shot 2014-01-29 at 11.59.22 PM

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I just want to buy him a pair of footie pajamas and give him a juice box. Now you see him and the only juice boxes he’ll be sipping on are the kind with Jameson in them. Leads me to ask where did it all go wrong? And where go it go even wronger? Have we yet to see the wrongest out of the Justin Bieber situation?

That’s partially why I’m saying we need to stop condoning his behavior and giving him the praise. It’s not out of concern for his well being, no way. It’s out of concern for our society as a whole. That fresh faced baby in the douche costume above has morphed into a psuedo-cult leader that has people hanging on his every word and action. And that spells a Travis Tritt-load of trouble for the nations of the world.

I’m sure some of your have seen The Following on Fox. Someone must’ve watched it considering it is back for a second roller coaster season. But take a second look because what you’ll find is the terror we have to face if Justin Bieber is pushed to the brink.

These soulless killers, some of them pictured above, will stop at nothing to free Biebs and get him back out into the world. And even if he is free, we wouldn’t be safe from the antics or the mobs taking the streets for blood. Trust me, Bieber will want blood.

Justin Bieber’s Twitter account currently stands at 49.2 million followers, with a million more in the Justin Bieber Army. A special forces group of Beliebers, I assume. And who knows how many more are out there in the shadows without internet connections or the benefit of literacy. Worse yet, we can’t rely on our own military forces to defend us because who knows how many of them are Bieber followers too.

It’s like there’s a throat that needs slitting and we don’t know where to lay the blade! It’s a problem wrapped in a burrito, deep fried in a taco shell and served for $.99 at Taco Bell. The situations could be frightening. Forced listening parties, never-ending makeovers, and a multitude of off-key tributes to J-Biebs that will only end upon death.

I’m not describing the next Dean Koontz bestseller. No, this is a reality. A reality that I’m not God damned ready for anytime soon. That’s why we need to nip this in the bud now and “Paul Anka” Justin Bieber:

Paul Anka: To stop those monsters 1-2-3,
Here’s a fresh new way that’s trouble-free,
It’s got Paul Anka’s guarantee…
Lisa: Guarantee void in Tennessee.

Both: Just don’t look! Just don’t look!
Just don’t look! Just don’t look!
Just don’t look! Just don’t look!

Just don’t look. Take away his power. Take away his ability to reach his gang of orcs at the gates of Gondor. It’s either this or option two:

I actually think I like option two better, but beggars can’t be choosers. Exile this little Napoleon to St. Helena before it is too late and scrub the world of his existence. The Bieber death cult will bleed itself out eventually and we can return to our normal lives of trying to see celebrities naked. I’ll be over here, screaming like William Holden until we do.

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(Images via gettyimages, kidrauhl)


TAGSCULTSJustin BieberPleas Of MercyTHE FOLLOWING

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