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This Guy Might Be Exaggerating About The Mercedes He Is Selling On Craiglist

By 02.20.14

The first posting for this 1987 Mercedes-Benz 560 SEL was so over-the-top and outlandish that it was unsurprisingly flagged for removal within a few days. But that wasn’t going to stop the ambitious seller from trying to make someone else’s life better with this affordably-priced German sedan that came with a description longer than the car’s 237,000 original miles. I honestly don’t know what it is about people in Texas selling their vehicles on Craigslist, but these descriptions are better literature than Fifty Shades of Grey.

Buckle up and adjust your mirrors, because this detailed ride is going to make you think about dropping $2,750 on an old ass car if you’re in or near the greater North Dallas area.

You have found the most epic Mercedes-Benz from the 1980′s. The Mercedes-Benz 560 SEL sedan — featured in Car & Driver, Motor Trend and named “Car of the Year’ from Wheels Magazine — it was the top of the line luxury vehicle that re-defined European automobiles. Oh, and I may as well add that it won the “Safest Car of the Year” in 1987.

Yes, it was awesome. . . and this one still is. Why? Because it is a 27-year old vintage road-treasure that has seen four presidents, the invention of Al Gore’s Internet and the rise, fall and death of Kurt Cobain. It’s old enough to vote, get an MBA and Botox, travel around Europe and move out of its parents’ garage. It also has about 237,000 original miles. I say ‘about’ since the speedometer stopped working at 222,060 miles — but why should you care? Because that’s the mother-fucking distance to the MOON! Yes. This car has basically been driven to and PAST the freaking moon — THE ONE IN SPACE. Why do you need to even count mileage past that point? It’s pointless. Because the point is, this car has courage, tenacity, power and balls. . . balls of steel; German steel that is.

It also has the world-renown 8-cyclinder, Bosch KE-Jetronic fuel injection steel German-built engine under its massive hood. It is huge and was created to provide the kind of power it takes to propel this fortress on wheels to 155 MPH. Haven’t been that fast? Yes you have, and you were in a JET PLANE THAT FLEW IN THE AIR.

Okay, okay, but is this car fast?

It also has spontaneously raced against a 2008-ish 7-series BMW one very late night somewhere along the North Dallas Toll Road. Neither car received a ticket but one car and driver received an embarrassing loss and lesson in total emasculation avoidance: spoiler alert. . . it wasn’t the Mercedes.

Impressive. What about the engine? Can it get me out of life-threatening jams?

One of the most outstanding features of this car is that it starts — anytime, anywhere. Whether it’s 105* or -5*, F the car’s engine turns over and roars to life with one simple twist of the key. There’s no fumbling, cranking, pumping the pedal, stalling or waiting for the zombies to come and kill you. Fact: This car would NEVER be featured as a get-away-car in a zombie horror film because it would get you away from whatever is trying to eat, dissolve, melt, vaporize, mate, shoot or kill you.

That is quite crucial. Now please compare it to some films and other pop cultural references.

Speaking of films, this model shares a heritage of fame and well-deserved celebrity. It is no accident that the 560 SEL was featured in “Lethal Weapon 2″ because it IS A LETHAL WEAPON of power and timeless style. This may also be a good time to point out the car made its appearance in “Die Hard: With a Vengeance” because that’s exactly what this automobile does… it DIES HARD, which is why it showed up AGAIN in “LETHAL WEAPON 3″. Are you getting it yet?? This is all to explain why the 560 SEL was more likely to be fitted with after-market bulletproof glass and armored body panels than ANY OTHER CAR IN THE WORLD. Oh, Did I mention the back seat has a RELCINE mode? Well, grab a Cuban cigar and glass of Macallan 25-year old scotch because IT DOES.

Does the 560 use a bit of gas when you hit the pedal? Does Mayor Rob Ford do heroin?! Of course it does! Highway mileage may hit 15 MPG if you’re lucky and not towing an 18-wheeler, an ESPN Satellite truck or small house (WHICH IT CAN DO). But the trade-off for drinking premium gas like an SMU sorority pledge who just lost her promise ring at a keg party, is the acceleration and speed you’ll feel as you leave a carbon footprint the SIZE OF COWBOYS STADIUM!

And it goes on… and on… and on… and on and on and on. It’s definitely a great read and nothing if not inspired. Best of luck to the seller, and may all of us know the joy of cranking Starship’s “Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now” while cruising on the highway. Seriously, it’s the best.


(H/T to Super Compressor)


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