A 26-year-old New York City woman has decided to make a career — or at least a side business — out of being a professional bridesmaid, after performing the duty in countless friends weddings. You know what, I can’t even make fun of this because it’s kind of a brilliant idea. It’s like almost like having a secret wedding planner infiltrating your team of bridesmaids to ensure that nobody gets wasted at the rehearsal dinner and bangs the groom’s brother in the parking lot. Genius.
In her Craigslist ad, she explains why she decided to start escorting herself out as a professional bridesmaid:
When all my friends started getting engaged – I decided to make new friends. So I did – but then they got engaged also and for what felt like the hundredth time, I was asked to be a bridesmaid.
This year alone, i’ve been a bridesmaid 4 times. That’s 4 different chiffon dresses, 4 different bachelorette parties filled with tequila shots and guys in thong underwear twerking way too close to my face, 4 different pre-wedding pep talks to the bride about how this is the happiest day of her life and marriage, probably, is just like riding a bike: a little shaky at first but then she’ll get the hang of it.
Right, she’ll ask as she wipes off the mascara stained tears from her perfectly airbrushed face. Right, i’ll say though I don’t really know. I only know what I’ve seen and that’s a beautiful looking bride walking down, down, down the aisle one, two, three, four times so far this year.
But on what occasion might one need the services of a professional bridesmaid, you ask? Don’t worry, she’s just here to help:
- You don’t have any other girlfriends except your third cousin, twice removed, who is often found sticking her tongue down an empty bottle of red wine.
- Your fiance has an extra groomsmen and you’re looking to even things out so your pictures don’t look funny and there’s not one single guy walking down the aisle by himself
- You need someone to take control and make sure bridesmaid #4 buys her dress on time and doesn’t show up 3 hours late the day of the wedding or paint her nails lime green.
Additionally, her resume of skills includes:
- Holding up the 18 layers of your dress so that you can pee with ease on your wedding day
- Catching the bouquet and then following that moment up with my best Miss America-like “Omg, I can’t believe this” speech.
- Doing the electric and the cha cha slide.
- Responding in a timely manner to pre-wedding email chains created by other bridesmaids and the Maid of Honor
If you want her to show her ass for one of those dumb wedding party butt pictures, that might run you extra though. Anyway, she’s also got her own website, that among other things, documents her trying out for The Bachelor — which is no big surprise there. Good for her, though, and maybe as she gets into her 30’s, she could expand her business to, oh … I don’t know, rendering her services to be a stand in for friends and family’s baby showers? “Hey! You’re in your 30’s and childless — I know you don’t want to go to this thing so let me go for you!” (NOT THAT I WOULD KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT.)