Before today is over, you should reach out to the more sinister people in your lives and wish them a happy holiday. Of course, you might think that I’m talking about evil people, but I’m actually speaking of those of you who are left-handed, as the word sinister means “left” in Latin, according to a secret website that I refer to for facts and other relevant information. You see, today is Left Hander’s Day, a special time for the 10 percent of the world’s population that isn’t normal like us righties to celebrate their unique trait that may or may not be accompanied by a slightly shorter lifespan. I’m only kidding about lefties being strange or bizarre and ungodly freaks of nature, because the science I’m about to bust out with might just confirm the idea that the left-handed are far superior.
For the sake of Left Hander’s Day, I got together with my crack team of scientists and researchers to examine every southpaw in the history of mankind to determine their worth to society as a whole. Using such values as creativity, intelligence, awesomeness at sports, attractiveness compared to similar righties, and overall leftishtocity, we were able to develop this completely accurate and thoroughly scientific ranking of the 100 greatest and most important left-handed people in the history of humanity as we know it. Fun fact: A lot of history’s greatest lefties were born within the last 100 years. Whoulda thunk it? A lefty probably!
Before we get into the actual list, there are obviously way more than 100 famous and historically-significant lefties out there, so some people had to miss the cut. Among them were: Joe Piscopo, Phil Mickelson, Napoleon Bonaparte, Fidel Castro, The Boston Strangler, Oscar de la Hoya, Justin Bieber, Billy Ray Cyrus, Iggy Azalea, Tim Tebow, Phil Collins, Gerald Ford, Winston Churchill, Queen Victoria of England. While these lefties didn’t rank the lowest in our complicated scoring system, they were each notably flawed and deserved to be singled out for their own shame. As for this Top 100 celebration of Left Hander’s Day…
100) Richard Simmons
99) Joey Lawrence
98) Tim Armstrong
We don’t talk enough about how awesome Rancid is, so this begins to make up for that.
97) John Cena
96) King Louis XVI of France
He may have been executed for being a terrible leader who squandered and destroyed his country’s economy, but he helped America during the Revolution and his beheading led to the end of the French monarchy. Silver linings!
95) Leonardo da Vinci
Donatello missed the cut because he was always the most overtly sexual of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
92) James A. Garfield
91) Jay Leno
90) Jack the Ripper
That’s right, Jack the Ripper ranks higher than Jay Leno.
89) Luke Perry
I forgot to mention that one of the categories that accounts for 30 percent of the scoring for men is “How bitchin’ are his ‘burns?”
88) Gayle Sayers
87) Mark Wahlberg
86) Lewis Carroll
If not for “Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland,” an entire generation may have missed out on the awesomeness of taking LSD and running around naked.
85) Buzz Aldrin
84) Harry S. Truman
There have been eight left-handed presidents in American history, and in order to obtain government funding to complete this scientific ranking, we were required to include them all.
83) HG Wells
A lot of people remember Wells most for “The War of the Worlds,” but for it’s always going to be the far more exciting “Anticipations of the Reaction of Mechanical and Scientific Progress Upon Human Life and Thought.”
82) Glenn Frey
“The Heat is On” was better than anything the Eagles ever recorded.
80) Rashida Jones
She would be ranked considerably higher if she hadn’t left Parks and Recreation.
79) Ron Perlman
He’s not the best actor in the world, but he seems like he’d be cool to sit down and have a brewski or 12 with before shooting BBs at an old car.
78) Herbert Hoover
77) Elvis Costello
Despite being an international art thief, Declan MacManus has had quite an outstanding career as a music artist.
76) John McEnroe
75) Joel McHale
74) Bronson Pinchot
We loved him because he came to us from the island of Mypos, but his cousin Larry Appleton was a pretty big square.
73) Joan of Arc
She scored well in the leadership and bravery categories but lost considerable points in the “Not being fireproof” column.
72) MC Escher
Our scientists found that while he might have been a popular and clever artist, his work was not nearly as cool as those 3D posters that you have to stare at to see hidden objects.
71) Tony Gwynn
He was really, really good at hitting a baseball.
70) Minka Kelly
She was really, really good at dating a guy who is still really good at hitting a baseball.
69) Bill Clinton
68) Henry Rollins
67) Mark Hamill
He was very fortunate that Darth Vader cut off his right hand, because that could have made his efforts to stop the Empire considerably more difficult. Oh crap, spoilers, sorry.
66) Randy Johnson
65) Hugh Jackman
64) Charlie Chaplin
However, Robert Downey Jr. is right-handed and he only learned how to do things left-handed so he could make the character look authentic. I feel like we were lied to.
63) George H.W. Bush
62) Steve McQueen
If this wasn’t a scientific democracy, he would have been my outright No. 1 for being an all-around badass.
61) Barack Obama
60) David Byrne
I haven’t watched this video in a long time, so I wanted to include it. For science, NATCH.
59) George Burns
58) Steve Young
57) Keanu Reeves
56) Henry Ford
55) Helen Keller
54) Goldie Hawn
For the sake of this list, we’re referencing Wildcats-era Goldie Hawn and not current day Goldie Hawn.
53) Jim Carrey
52) Michael Stipe
Good luck getting that out of your brain.
51) Fred Astaire
50) Pierce Brosnan
49) David Bowie
48) Bruce Campbell
It’s a good thing that his chainsaw hand was his right so he could continue to make use of his boomstick with his left.
47) Joel Hodgson
46) Jason Bateman
45) Shawn Michaels
He had a perfect score in the “Posed for Playgirl, leaving us this hilarious image to use forever” category.
44) Billy the Kid
43) Ben Stiller
42) Tom Cruise
Cruise may also be the shortest left-hander to make this list, but we didn’t have time to measure all of them.
41) Lenny Bruce
40) Ed O’Neill
39) Angelina Jolie
38) Robert de Niro
37) Stan Musial
Although, as a St. Louis Cardinals legend, he’s known for being more intelligent and classier than other left-handers.
36) Marilyn Monroe
35) Morgan Freeman
One day there will be a documentary about this study and Freeman will be the narrator. Then again, it might be Richard Simmons depending on the budget.
34) Vince Gilligan
I could guarantee Mr. Gilligan a spot in the Top 3 on this list if he makes a Breaking Bad movie happen. Just gonna leave that on the table for him to consider.
33) Ronald Reagan
32) Zoe Saldana
She might be the dreamiest green lefty on this entire list.
31) Don Rickles
30) James A. Garfield
29) Anna Kendrick
Anna’s the classic left-hander next door, who seems like she’d totally be cool with finding you hiding in her bushes with a film crew.
28) Kurt Cobain
27) Brad Pitt
There are some people who believe that Pitt is actually right-handed, while he’s almost always included in stories about famous lefties. The fact is that people just like to include him in everything, because he’s so handsome.
26) Douglas Adams
His left hand wrote the most wonderful series of books I’ve ever read.
25) Jennifer Lawrence
It’s only a matter of time before other left-handers get tired of how cool J-Law is, and then they try to pretend she’s a righty.
24) Robert Redford
23) Kermit the Frog
Kermit was a lefty because Jim Henson was a lefty, but Henson kept his right arm in the frog’s behind while he used his left to control Kermit’s arms. Wait no, I mean Kermit is real!
22) Scarlett Johansson
21) Babe Ruth
20) Richard Pryor
For fun, we should tell Nick Cannon that Pryor didn’t use his hands for anything and did everything with his feet. Or it would be even better if he just didn’t get to play Pryor in a biopic about his life.
19) Larry Bird
18) Bruce Willis
17) LeBron James
The King is naturally left-handed but he shoots a basketball right-handed, which is basically a really complex way of showing off.
16) Paul McCartney
15) Vin Scully
14) Jimi Hendrix
13) David Letterman
And yet he’ll buck that shorter lifespan idea by living to be 207.
12) Bill Gates
11) Stan Lee
But he’s ambidextrous when he’s going in for the kill, ladies.
10) Alexander the Great
Dude had “the Great” in his name. There was no way he was missing the Top 10.
9) Will Ferrell
8) Tina Fey
I’d be willing to make Fey No. 1 if she agrees to make 10 more seasons of 30 Rock.
7) Jon Stewart
It sure isn’t surprising that Jon Stewart is a LEFTy. Get it? Because he constantly takes Fox News and other conservative media outlets to task for their bias? Trust me, it’s a great joke.
6) Julius Caesar
Oprah would have slaughtered Caesar and his armies in battle, all because of her army of bees.
4) Matt Groening
I wonder if Groening being left-handed had anything to do with Bart Simpson being left-handed.
3) Sandy Koufax
No. 3 among all-time lefties, but definitely No. 1 in Jewish pitchers.
2) Jerry Seinfeld
What’s the deal with this unnecessarily long ranking?
1) Nicole d’Oresme
While he was most known for his contributions to science and mathematics, among other genres, d’Oresme’s peers always wrote that he told the best dirty jokes.