Dan Cummins is a comedian probably best known for his Comedy Central stand-up special, Crazy With A Capital F. Currently, he hosts Playboy’s morning radio show, and he’ll be recording a new stand-up special in Salt Lake City at the end of the month. He recently released a new comedy EP, Chinese Affection, which is available for purchase on iTunes.
Dan was nice enough to take a few minutes out of his busy schedule recently to answer a few questions from us.
1. You walk into a bar. What do you order from the bartender?
Right now, Bulleit rye whiskey on the rocks. I was doing Glenfiddich 15, and a fan in Orlando converted me. I also order a few shots of Jagermeister for my girl, ‘cause it makes her crazy. And I like crazy.
2. Who’s your favorite person to follow on Twitter?
@fuckjerry. My girl hates 99 percent of his posts. She thinks they’re “dumb humor.” Dumb or not, this dude kills me almost every time. A picture of a formal place setting on the street surrounding an actual pile of dog sh*t, like someone just ordered it at a five star restaurant. I can’t NOT laugh at that. “Dumb” or not, I wish I thought of it first.
3. What’s currently waiting for you on your DVR/TiVO?
The Walking Dead, even though I don’t even know if I like that show anymore. Those writers are REALLY stretching this sh*t out. If they do anymore weird, in-episode, dialogue-less music videos, or another five minute flashback montage, I might be out for good. 80 percent of each episode really sucks. But the other 20 percent keeps me (barely) in. Waiting for The Strain to come back to FX. And REALLY hoping Preacher shows up on AMC quick! If they do that series any justice at all, every other show will soon be dead to me. No pun intended to the Walking Dead.
4. It’s your last meal — what are you going out with?
Hot turkey sandwich, real mashed potatoes, cranberry sauce from a can, from-the-bird flour, truck stop gravy, a slice of made-from-scratch key lime pie, and a large chocolate malt. This is my favorite comfort food meal, and if I know I’m about to me killed, I could use some serious comfort. And I want to use a really sharp steak knife to cut my sandwich. I don’t need it, ‘cause my turkey is tender and juicy, but I want to feel like there’s a least a small chance I could either eat again or take someone out with me.
5. What websites do you visit on a regular basis?
cats.com, jesus.com, and jesuslovescats.org God I hope those are not real websites! Sadly, espn.com, even though I watch almost no games of any sport. It’s oddly comforting just to feel like I know about what’s going on in the world of sports. As I write this, I realize I need to find a new website. Why do I care? I’ve been living entirely too much out of mindless habit. Thanks UpRoxx for this wake up call.
6. What’s the most frequently played song on your mobile device?
Bob Seger’s Mainstreet. Stop judging and give it a listen! You. Can’t. Hate. Seger.
7. The first face that comes to mind when you think “punchable?”
Dear God, I love this question. Rush Limbaugh! His loud, idiotic, hate-mongering face is nice and fat – which makes it easier to hit, softer on my knuckles, and there’s more tissue to bleed and do damage to. My only fear in punching it is going to prison for murder because once I start I won’t be able to stop.
8. What’s the last thing you Googled?
“Goonies Baby Ruth.” A shirtless pic of me was compared to Sloth, and I wanted to make sure I don’t really look like an actual mutant literally chained up in a basement. Turns out there is only a vague resemblance.
9. Dogs or cats?
Dogs, although I have come to appreciate cats more as I get older. I respect their independent streak and am amused by their entitled attitude. Dogs can be so needy, clingy, and desperate. Great qualities for a playmate when you’re a kid, bad qualities for a buddy when you’re an independent adult.
10. Best concert of your life was…?
Counting Crows in Brixton, England. It was a LONG time ago, and they were big in the states, but unknown there. I watched them in a small club with about 200 other people. I’m sure it was a shot to their ego at the time, but they played their asses off, and I got to watch comfortably about 10 feet from Adam Duritz, who’s hair wasn’t full Sideshow Bob at the time. Love that guy’s songs, but he has had the worst hair in music for almost two decades now. Dirty him up and put him in thrift store clothes and everyone who sees him on the sidewalk assumes he homeless.
11. What book are you most likely to give as a gift?
I don’t give books I like as gifts because I hate when people do that to me! I’ll read what I want to read, I’m a grownup. Don’t give me some self-serving “I want you to read this because I like it I don’t have anyone to talk to about it” homework assignment disguised as a “gift,” you dick.
12. What’s the nicest thing anyone has ever done for you?
Time to get sappy. My girl falling in love with my two kids from a previous marriage and me at the same time three years ago. It’s amazing how much she loves all three of us. Feeling VERY uncomfortable emotions right now. NEXT QUESTION!! (shouted while staring up and to the right, fighting off watery eyes).
13. South Park or Family Guy?
South Park all the way. Smartest comedy in television history. Everything from clever, biting, fearless social commentary to junior high toilet jokes. Matt Parker and Trey Stone are truly comedic geniuses. Seth McFarlane is a joke writing machine, but successful as he is, I wouldn’t throw “genius” on him. Brilliant joke mechanic. “Amazing formula replicator” seems apt.
14. You have an entire day to do whatever you want. What would you do?
I wake up and have a great big breakfast of pancakes, over-medium eggs, salty bacon, and fresh ground Blue Bottle coffee. Then I read a graphic novel for about an hour. Then I creatine up, go to the gym, and hit the bench press with some real loud Metallica, Death Magnetic (I’ve cycled back to at the moment). I’m a closet meat head for sure. Then I hang out with my two awesome kids and fiancé at a park, playing soccer and basketball out in the sun for the afternoon after grabbing some el pastor street tacos from Casa Martin in Santa Monica. We eat dinner at ’50s Diner on Santa Monica Blvd. with my fam and play Connect Four while we wait for our food. After dinner, all of us go to a movie at the Landmark on Pico. Then the kids go to bed, my girl and I have some cocktails, and retreat to the bedroom after the kids are asleep to get real xxx rated. Finally, after she falls asleep, I head downstairs and murder two of my neighbors simply because they annoy me and I find them “creepy.” And I get away with it. You said “whatever you want.”
15. What movie can you not resist watching if it’s on?
Tombstone. Best movie ever. (Shout out to any of the Underworld, Matrix, Blade, and Resident Evil movies also – they all hypnotize me. Damn you, Kate Beckinsale. Damn you and your sexy ass-kicking ass!)
16. The sports team or teams you’re most passionate about?
Los Angeles Dodgers. I won’t watch a game on TV (any game other than the Super Bowl or part of a Gonzaga game), but I LOVE going to Dodger Stadium. The weather is always perfect, the hot dogs always warm and trashy, and the beer always (almost) cold. And the fans, including me, are also trashy. Fucking love going to Dodgers games. Wear another team’s jersey to the game. I dare you.
17. Where did you eat the best meal of your life?
Chaya in Venice. Whitetail deer steak and acorn puree. It sounded a little exotic, not my norm for sure, but the meat was perfectly prepared – soft and flavorful, and that acorn nonsense was ridiculous. I’ve never seen it on a menu since. If I was ever on the edge about hunting, I definitely wouldn’t be after that meal. I would kill an entire deer family in front of another deer family just to taste that steak again. And also for the story.
18. The last movie you saw in a theater?
American Sniper, and it was fantastic. The only part that sucked was the ending, which was the fault of real life rather than the screenplay. It would’ve ended perfectly, but after they’d already began working on the film some dipshit killed the main character. And if that just spoiled the movie for you, fuck you for being so terribly unaware of what’s happening in the world around you. Get off Facebook and read a newspaper here and there (on-line, of course; who reads an actual newspaper now, grandpa?)
19. Who was your first celebrity crush?
Kathy Ireland. Had a swimsuit poster taped to my wall. I’m not sure I “discovered myself” with the help of her work in Sports Illustrated, but if it wasn’t her, she was a very close second to the women’s bra and underwear section of the JC Penny catalog. And after I found her, she was my go-to girl for quite some time. I’m getting horny right now just thinking about it.
20. What would you cook if Nic Cage was coming to your house for dinner?
Nothing! I’d tell him easy living is what has caused his career to get soft. If he wants another good meal he should have to make another good Goddamned movie. If he insists on eating something, I’ll force feed that sack of shit a blu-ray DVD of Left Behind. And I’ll post the YouTube video of me doing it, so the world can see he can still pull off a captivating scene if given the proper motivation.
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