Florida Man Attempts To Burn Down Apartment Building As Revenge For Building Management’s Strict Masturbation Rules

02.06.14 4 years ago 30 Comments


Kenneth Haskins — the handsome fella pictured here — allegedly set his Tampa, Florida apartment building on fire earlier this week, leaving four homeless, in retaliation to building management requesting him to stop masturbating in front of his open window. Seems like a reasonable enough response. From the Huffington Post:

No injuries were reported after the fire, which started at about 10 p.m. Bay News reports that firefighters had to evacuate more than 28 units and four were damaged, including Haskins’.

Haskins has lived there for more than a decade. Previously, his face was disfigured when he shot himself with a shotgun, police said. He didn’t previously have a criminal history in Florida.

Because of course, the kind of guy who would burn down his own apartment building because he wasn’t allowed to publicly wank would be the same brilliant genius to accidentally shoot himself in the face with a shotgun. And therein lies the beauty of this story. If it were just a matter of the arson and masturbating, I could see maybe Indiana, Ohio, or even Pennsylvania. But it’s the shooting himself in the face part that makes this story so uniquely, perfectly, unequivocally Florida. Oh, Florida, you’ve done it again!

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